tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79795031275710824792024-03-13T12:23:51.268-05:00Living Well in MarriageMusings on MarriageUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger155125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-82040087593501404142023-10-27T14:31:00.000-05:002023-10-27T14:31:24.499-05:00Observations on Marriage, part 2<div class="separator"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9USXEo19hTLc3JIeR7kgsA15LXFS0NeYODOl17sI01kP7JX7BrTNSHxr8Q1k5N3P7_4u1UkO01NEyPnoLOCbXo37UZv6pkrHuMy_4p9IYCg8-xPAkZ1OgVPAhRE5Z26QNy1gsPET0JipzT7RO_t495QC6kgAH6zfwAXIr3L-mkzh1l2bH27GikQQGpZ4/s1368/Marriage%20work%20combine.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9USXEo19hTLc3JIeR7kgsA15LXFS0NeYODOl17sI01kP7JX7BrTNSHxr8Q1k5N3P7_4u1UkO01NEyPnoLOCbXo37UZv6pkrHuMy_4p9IYCg8-xPAkZ1OgVPAhRE5Z26QNy1gsPET0JipzT7RO_t495QC6kgAH6zfwAXIr3L-mkzh1l2bH27GikQQGpZ4/s320/Marriage%20work%20combine.jpg" /></a></div>We have been involved in strengthening marriages and crisis marriage ministry for 35+ years. Through the years, some common factors (not all inclusive) stand out to us. [<a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2023/07/observations-about-marriage-problems.html">see part 1 here</a>]<br /> <br /> 1. <b>Not having realistic expectations of marriage.</b> <div><br /></div><div>Most people expect marriage to make them happy. <br /> <br /> When they experience unhappy days, they think something is wrong with their marriage. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b>As we grow up, we all formulate ideas about <b>what will make us happy</b>. If we marry, we usually think marriage will make us happy. </div><div><div><br /></div><div>Happiness is based on circumstances that can change daily. Instead of looking at the circumstances of our marriage as markers of happiness, <b>we can find a lasting joy in our relationship with the Lord and, consequently, in seeing joy in our spouse.</b></div></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><i>The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. </i>Psalm 19:8</div><div><br /></div><div><div><b> 2. Not having realistic expectations of their spouse.</b><br /> <br /> It has been said that a husband thinks their wife will never change (especially in their physical beauty) and a wife thinks that they can change their husband (especially in their habits). <br /> <br /> Consequently, both are disappointed. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b><b>Our expectations of our spouse are usually not voiced.</b> When our spouse doesn’t meet expectations, we are disappointed or angry and our spouse doesn't know why. Sometimes we base those expectations on what our father or mother was like or ideas we get from romantic movies or books. </div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>Instead of holding our spouse to unrealistic expectations, we release the expectation and value our spouse as he or she is.</b></div><div> <br /><b>3. Not understanding what unconditional love is.</b> Most people go into marriage thinking that nothing will change their love for their spouse. But many have never experienced unconditional love; they have not seen examples of it.<br /> <br /> But when we feel hurt by our spouse, our love begins to dissolve. If allowed to continue, we don’t “feel loved” or “in love” anymore. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b><b>Unconditional love means I love that person no matter what they do.</b> </div><div><div><br /></div><div> It does not mean that I agree with what my spouse does or that I don’t confront my spouse. But I love that person as God loves me!<i> Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must <b>love one another.</b> </i>John 13:34</div><div><br /></div><div>As I receive God's love, I can give my spouse love out of the overflow of my heart - not expecting anything in return. We all want to be loved that way, but we also need to love that way.</div><div><br /></div><b> 4. Lack of forgiveness for the hurts.</b> We cannot truly love unconditionally without forgiving.<br /> <br /> Instead of forgiving, we seek to pay them back for the hurt by withdrawing or saying hurtful words back. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b><b>Forgiveness is ESSENTIAL to a lasting marriage</b>. </div><div><div><br /></div><div><b>Forgiveness means </b>that I don’t pay back the person for the hurt they cause me, that I don’t keep bringing it up and that I don’t dwell on it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t confront the sin or express how we feel. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>I can forgive as I receive and understand the depth of God's forgiveness. If God forgives the sin, who am I not to forgive the hurt? In the same way God has forgiven me, I can forgive others. </div><div><i>Be kind and compassionate to one another, <b>forgiving each other, </b>just as in Christ God forgave you. </i>Ephesians 4:32</div><div><br /></div><div><b> 5. Not showing respect.</b> We often believe that a person has to earn our respect before we treat them with respect.<br /> <br /> Often, we don’t really know what our spouse really thinks or feels about respect. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b><b>God calls us to respect all people, including our spouse.</b> We show respect to them because they are a human being, not because of what they have done. We show respect also to our spouse because of our commitment to the marriage. <i><b>Show proper respect to everyone.</b></i> 1 Peter 2:17</div><div><div><br /></div><div><b> Respect means different things to different people </b>but includes the way we speak (not degrading or disdainful), the value we show to their opinions and ideas, and not trying to change them (show that we value who they are). Ask your spouse what you can do to show them respect.</div></div><div><br /></div><div><b> 6. Competitiveness.</b> Competitiveness comes in many forms - from who is right and who is wrong to who earns the most money. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b><b>Competitiveness can be good in sports or debates.</b> But it can also lead people to be aggressive or antagonistic if their decisions or opinions are questioned. If I am competitive in a relationship, I have a compulsion to be right, not considering that I could be wrong. </div><div><div><br /></div><div><b>Being willing to admit that I am wrong </b>is the first step to eliminating that tension from the marriage. <b>Realizing that there is more than one right way to do things is extremely important in marriage. Giving your spouse</b> the freedom to do things their way or to have a valid opposing opinion brings closeness.</div><div><br /></div><b> 7. Not working as a team. </b>When we don’t agree on how to spend money, discipline the children, etc., we work against the other or go behind their back. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b>Your spouse is not your enemy. Satan is the enemy who is seeking to fracture marriages. </div><div><div><br /></div><div><b>Working together as cooperative teammates can defeat the enemy and preserve your marriage.</b></div><div><br /></div><b> 8. Escalating the tone of a disagreement. </b><br /> <br /> When there is a disagreement, we respond in a way that takes the emotions a notch higher. Then the other person does the same until the situation is out of control. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b>In a conflict,<b> seek to bring the emotional level lower through calm and thoughtful responses, while listening to your mate. </b>If the emotional level escalates, call a time-out to let the emotional level come down. They return to the subject calmly and thoughtfully, seeking to understand your mate's point of view.</div><div><i><b>A gentle answer</b> turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.</i> Proverbs 15:1</div><div><br /><b>9. Not resolving conflicts. </b>When conflict arises, some people withdraw or shut down and some get angry and attack. Then they abandon the issue and nothing is resolved.<br /> <br /> If we can’t resolve the small issues, we will find it hard to resolve the large ones. Then, even the small issues can become large. </div><div><br /></div><div><b style="caret-color: rgb(69, 129, 142); color: #45818e;">SOLUTION </b>So many of us never learned conflict resolution in our home or in school. <b>Resolving conflict includes talking about an issue calmly and respectfully. We look at what is important to each person in an issue and seek to find a solution that can be a win-win.</b> </div><div><br /></div><div><b>If unsuccessful, seek guidance from a godly third party.</b></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><i>If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. </i>Romans 12:18</div><div><br /></div><div>For a downloadable version, <a href="https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1p1T9ig6xCzsET1hX6v8onw2Fgw8zGrD3" target="_blank">click here</a>.</div><div> <br /><br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-32195438092529780862023-07-29T14:19:00.002-05:002023-07-31T14:24:22.808-05:00Observations about Marriage - the Problems & SolutionsWe have been involved in strengthening marriages and crisis marriage ministry for 35+ years. Through the years, some <b>common factors</b> (not all inclusive) stand out to us. [<a href="https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1p1T9ig6xCzsET1hX6v8onw2Fgw8zGrD3" target="_blank">printable version</a>]<div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjyMiT2yXbSX3HTE8ppCEf1RWwitDz17TbWynk2R9vB73d_vpt75HQz-YUN8wYkfpxj0yCYN7p8Vp2vkz2_3FznIIGq6rD38GyXJFXDP7UeXAT8JMvZ9Wt7v34_9CIf-h28Y5l1mL2_P27BfBFTtt9a071XJ1ap8-Sw4mRlAIjj8YfvbUTF64QR8mX4Q/s800/Love%20quote%20Chesterton%20small.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="616" data-original-width="800" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEjyMiT2yXbSX3HTE8ppCEf1RWwitDz17TbWynk2R9vB73d_vpt75HQz-YUN8wYkfpxj0yCYN7p8Vp2vkz2_3FznIIGq6rD38GyXJFXDP7UeXAT8JMvZ9Wt7v34_9CIf-h28Y5l1mL2_P27BfBFTtt9a071XJ1ap8-Sw4mRlAIjj8YfvbUTF64QR8mX4Q/w378-h291/Love%20quote%20Chesterton%20small.jpg" width="378" /></a></div><div><br /><div><div><div><b> 1. The number one problem in marriage is selfishness. </b></div><div><span> </span>My selfishness is directed towards getting my needs met in my spouse - to feel loved, valued, respected, secure. Since my spouse can't meet enough of my needs, I am unhappy.</div><div><br /></div><div> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION</span></b> The only lasting solution to the problem of selfishness is to seek God to meet the needs of my life. He is the only one who can satisfy me. Your spouse isn't capable of meeting all of your needs, they aren't intended to. When I allow God to meet my needs, I can give to my spouse without expecting anything in return – the essence of unconditional love. <i>Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.</i> (John 13:34)</div><div><span><br /></span><b>2. Dissatisfaction in marriage.</b></div><div><span> </span>Every couple has conflicts at some time. Without commitment, dissatisfaction can lead to separation and divorce.<br /> <br /> <span> </span>If I think that other marriages are happier than mine, or that every husband/wife is better, I haven’t lived in their home or known the inner workings of what is happening between them. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse or marriage. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION</span></b> I will not compare my wife, husband, or marriage to others. Other people are not the same as we are and do not have the same life circumstances that we do. We are committed to resolving our difference. There is no plan B. We will not say the word “divorce” in regards to our own marriage.</div><div><div><i>When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.</i> (Numbers 30:2)</div><div><br /></div></div><div><b>3. Crisis counseling</b></div><div><span> </span>It is much easier to help a couple who have been married 5 years or less, regardless of the problem, than to help a couple married over 25 years. <br /> <br /> <span> </span>The longer a couple is married without resolving problems, the more entrenched most couples are in bad habit patterns, wrong beliefs, or unhealthy interactions. </div><div><br /></div><div> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION </span></b>When we hit a bump in the road of our marriage, We will seek guidance from a mature, objective, Godly person or couple. We won’t involve family or close friends. If my spouse won’t go with me, I will seek help for my part. <i>Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.</i> (Proverbs 1:5)</div></div></div></div></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>4. Being UNWILLING to look at my own life in an effort to improve my marriage.</b></div><div>I think my spouse is the problem - he/she needs to change. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b>SOLUTION</b> </span><b>I will be teachable to make progress in my marriage</b>. I will seek help. I am willing to see what God wants to change in me.<b> One person can change the climate of a marriage!</b> I can’t change my spouse.<b> The real issue is my response</b>. I can only change my response to the person or the situation. <i>The way of fools seems right to them, but <b>the wise listen to advice.</b></i> (Proverbs 12:15)</div><div><span style="color: #6aa84f;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(106, 168, 79);"><b><br /></b></span></span><b>5. Our differences drive us apart.</b></div><div>A warning - “Before marriage opposites attract. After marriage, opposites attack.” </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION </span>I will value and appreciate our differences.</b> Those personality habits, abilities, and talents can become attributes that bring strength to the marriage. When I see differences as a negative, those differences drive us apart instead of bringing us closer. The key is to see my spouse’s strengths that complement and complete me. </div><div>All believers are part of the body of Christ. We are all different, but all are valuable. (1 Corinthians 12)</div><div> <br /><b>6. As soon as I begin to focus on what is missing in my spouse, conflict begins.</b></div><div>My human tendency is to compare myself with others who have more than I do, not with those who have less than I do. In all of life, ingratitude brings dissatisfaction and, eventually, anger and even depression. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b>SOLUTION</b> </span>I will focus on the positive attributes of my spouse. I will make a list of all of the her/his good points and read over it regularly. I will thank God for the good in my spouse and in my marriage. </div><div><i>Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. </i>1 Thessalonians 5:18</div><div><br /></div><div><b>7. Couples in distress have not learned how to disagree agreeably. They only argue. </b></div><div><br />The arguments escalate and are never talked through or resolved, which causes more resentment in the relationship. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION </span></b>Disagreeing means that <b>I listen respectfully to other’s opinions, whether I agree or not.</b> But arguing is trying to prove that I am right and the other person is wrong. I can agree to disagree on points that are not essential. Realize that there are some issues that we will never agree on. If the emotions start to get more intense, we will<b> take a time-out to cool off.</b> Then we will come back together and talk respectfully to each other. </div><div><i>Show proper respect to everyone. </i>1 Peter 2:17</div><div><span style="color: #6aa84f;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(106, 168, 79);"><b><br /></b></span></span><b>8. Not listening! </b></div><div>When <b>I am formulating an answer while the other person is talking,</b> I am not listening. Without listening, beneficial communication is not happening. Interrupting negates listening. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b>SOLUTION </b></span><b>Listen!</b><span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b> </b></span><b>Listen!</b><span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b> </b></span><b>Listen! </b>Listen to the heart, not just the words. Make listening a priority, even if the topic is not interesting to me. <b>What others say is important to me because it is important to them.</b> <i>To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.</i> (Proverbs 18:13)</div><div><br /></div><div><b>9. Couples quit having fun in their marriage. </b></div><div>We came together because we enjoyed being together. But the stresses of life have made our marriage miserable. </div><div><br /></div><div><span> </span> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION </span></b>Take time to be together doing something enjoyable - not talk of stressful topics, no kids, only us. Weekly date nights can preserve the fun in marriage. A yearly getaway can revive the relationship. <b>Remember to have fun!</b></div><div><span style="color: #6aa84f;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(106, 168, 79);"><b><br /></b></span></span><b>10. Hiding things or working against each other can destroy a marriage.</b></div><div>We are not being open and honest with each other when we hide what we do with our money or who we talk to or text. We destroy trust in the relationship. </div><div><br /><span> </span> <b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">SOLUTION </span></b><span style="caret-color: rgb(106, 168, 79);"><b>Be open and transparent with each other. </b>Be willing to let your spouse see your phone , your computer, social media - who you talk to, text, or email. Do not hide income or expenditures. Have joint accounts or transparency with accounts. <b>Learn to work as a team to solve problems. </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #6aa84f;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(106, 168, 79);"><b><br /></b></span></span><br /></div></div><div><b><span style="font-size: large;">Marriage is worth the work! Don’t give up!</span></b></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-67846075727803197072023-04-20T16:22:00.006-05:002023-07-31T14:25:45.338-05:00Encouraging Marriages**Not intended to be all inclusive. [<a href="https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1p1T9ig6xCzsET1hX6v8onw2Fgw8zGrD3" target="_blank">printable version</a> of this page]<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div><b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">WHERE TO START</span></b></div><div><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><br /><b>Many of us believe</b> that if a couple is attending church and loves God that they will have a successful marriage.<br /><br />How many of us know couples that fit that criteria but are <b>unhappy in their marriage, even miserable? Or divorce?</b><br /><br />The couple often leaves their church as their marriage disintegrates. They don’t want to have to talk about it or explain it.<br /><br />Maybe it’s a friend or colleague and we see that there is <b>a lot of tension in their marriage.</b></p><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrzs-cLrNGGD3WtxOCiDH8kFZYX4nAp4pucpVX5DLydRYboJcPUKI19XdG1Kclxm32rl50vmgafN-wnuI8eJvHH7RmldC7bFOZ0jOAYfgbJf-pjr2kD570sGSfxdnENRP0XT6aygnQ0cjBukRRo-LmEbaUXWVWquwizWoIH8L9Oj07xUx8HmFhKbt/s1360/Couple%20arguing%20color.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1294" data-original-width="1360" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrzs-cLrNGGD3WtxOCiDH8kFZYX4nAp4pucpVX5DLydRYboJcPUKI19XdG1Kclxm32rl50vmgafN-wnuI8eJvHH7RmldC7bFOZ0jOAYfgbJf-pjr2kD570sGSfxdnENRP0XT6aygnQ0cjBukRRo-LmEbaUXWVWquwizWoIH8L9Oj07xUx8HmFhKbt/s320/Couple%20arguing%20color.png" width="320" /></a></div><b><i><span style="font-size: medium;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: medium;">What do we do?</span></i></b></p></span></i></b>We start with our own marriage. We don’t need to have a perfect marriage (who does?) to encourage another couple. <br /><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>We are committed</b> to working out difficulties and strengthening our own marriage. We learn what it takes and what works/doesn’t work. </li><li>We are <b>transparent about our struggles.</b> Doesn’t mean that we air all the details, but we let our friends, church circle, colleagues know that we have had struggles but have overcome them. <b>People need hope! </b>Couples often think that others have it all together and wouldn’t understand. </li><li>We are willing to <b>walk alongside others in kindness and compassion. </b>It may mean taking the initiative to inquire about their life and their marriage.</li></ul><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;"><b>TRUST</b></span><br /><br />Others will be open to what we say if<b> they trust us.</b> They trust that:<br /><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>We believe what we say, because they have seen us demonstrate it.</b> See above.</li><li><b>We will share truth</b> - not what social media or the latest TV guru says.</li><li><b>We care about them. </b>We want the best for them and we aren’t going to abandon them because they are struggling.</li><li><b>We will keep their words confidential.</b></li><li><b>We will not judge, condemn or attack them. </b>We won’t think less of them because of their problems.</li></ol><i><div style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span> </span>Accept one another,</b> then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.</i> Romans 15:7</div></i><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="color: #6c6c6c; font-family: Helvetica; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">WHAT CAN THE CHURCH DO?</span></b><br /><br /><b><i>Does the Church have a role in helping marriages in distress?</i></b><br /><br /><b>YES! </b>The Bible addresses marriage in several places and compares it to Christ and the Church. Marriage is important to God. So, it is important to the Church.<br /><br />Traditionally, church was one of the places where couples sought help when their marriage was struggling. That has changed some, but is still important.<br /><br /><b>Helping marriages can be messy.</b> Being <b>preemptive </b>can reduce the occurrences of troubled marriages.<br /><br /></p></div></div><blockquote style="border: medium; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">PREEMPTIVE </span></b>steps can include: </p></div></div></blockquote><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><ul><ul><li><b>Premarital counseling/classes, with a premarital assessment. </b></li><li><b>Marriage classes offered regularly </b>during the weekly small group time (at least once a year), or during a separate discipleship time (with childcare). </li><li><b>Making marriage resources easily available</b> - can include books, booklets, online and in printed form. </li><li><b>During bible teaching times</b> (from the pulpit or in classes), apply appropriate passages to marriage. </li><li><b>Emphasis within the culture of the church that marriages are important.</b> We care and we are available. </li><li><b>Find mentors for new couples.</b> </li><li><b>Small groups for couples at the same stage of life, providing positive peer pressure. </b></li></ul></ul><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVtMX_fBObz0DnHzD9tbRLncAfPY6_Hm0vzH7-7iStn5cYesjBSZApK7KYMaagy-bFCzfeJU8LsyAZlvRbErNkSoL8R2ia6ceSt2WkmYRTTmbjILaiR9rxEQ0Ez51nO4UZOP-VgAvTpUrpNZcYyx1t4DUEYKzEW1pg-Pr45UyRq3DBC0W7LgSMkVvj/s1099/Encourage%20quote2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="485" data-original-width="1099" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVtMX_fBObz0DnHzD9tbRLncAfPY6_Hm0vzH7-7iStn5cYesjBSZApK7KYMaagy-bFCzfeJU8LsyAZlvRbErNkSoL8R2ia6ceSt2WkmYRTTmbjILaiR9rxEQ0Ez51nO4UZOP-VgAvTpUrpNZcYyx1t4DUEYKzEW1pg-Pr45UyRq3DBC0W7LgSMkVvj/w501-h221/Encourage%20quote2.jpg" width="501" /></a></div></div></div><blockquote style="border: medium; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"> <b style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: medium;">ONGOING</span></b></p></blockquote><blockquote style="border: medium; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you suspect that a marriage may be struggling, the <b>church can seek to help bring healing by: <br /></b></p></div></div></blockquote><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><ul><ul><li><b>If you see something, say something.</b> Individuals can reach out to the couple, the wife or the husband. Meet for coffee to see how they are doing. <b>LISTEN!</b> Offer support and share personal experience, if appropriate. </li><li><b>Marriage counseling, </b>either by trained pastoral staff or a marriage counselor, or referral to a counselor (the church may supplement cost). </li><li><b>Pray for them and with them!</b></li></ul></ul><b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">AVOID</span></b><br /><ul><li><b>Talking without listening.</b> People want/need to be heard. Listening shows we care. </li><li><b>Giving pat answers.</b> Not everyone needs the same solution. A pat answer oversimplifies the problem. </li><li><b>Being judgmental. </b>Regardless of the validity of a person’s perspective, they do not need us to bluntly tell them they are wrong. We shut the door on further conversations if we come across as judgmental. </li><li><b>Sending a person back to a dangerous situation!</b> Help find a safe solution. </li><li><b>Taking sides. </b>We can sympathize with one or both but we need to be an advocate of marriage, not a person. Every conflict has two sides. We may not know the whole story. </li><li><b>Do not advocate FOR or AGAINST divorce.</b> That is each person’s decision. </li><li><b>Don’t promise outcomes. </b>Help them see solutions or different options, but give hope. Many people have two bad options to choose from. They can follow a path that God gives but they can’t control the outcome. </li></ul><p></p></div></div><blockquote style="border: medium; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>DON’T AVOID THE PERSON!</b></p></div></div></blockquote><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><p style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #313131; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">For a printable version of this page,<a href="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CvZVwofBHh7auk0UrlRz5u_FUSiRNDgB/view?usp=sharing" target="_blank"> click here.</a></p></div><div><br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-37884591735590498212022-11-01T18:12:00.002-05:002022-11-01T18:12:43.450-05:00Give Thanks<b><span style="color: #0b5394;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: x-large; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7lMFazP_kODAZuxs-I5vGSMLDoBRTYvsb5R_mDsVn8f5ufqw-haG7AhV5jmCUg1nWYHWVIbvsluQ7G6wbVOlahq5JSBTtLjMItquO4YFtYtArEKvwixoddpaW--X19jGgXkIFEk1A7jxzU2_jsEzeC2rXPuTDnKQYSg_ngIbVjrkR3YhcM6OcncIA/s935/GRATITUDE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="381" data-original-width="935" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7lMFazP_kODAZuxs-I5vGSMLDoBRTYvsb5R_mDsVn8f5ufqw-haG7AhV5jmCUg1nWYHWVIbvsluQ7G6wbVOlahq5JSBTtLjMItquO4YFtYtArEKvwixoddpaW--X19jGgXkIFEk1A7jxzU2_jsEzeC2rXPuTDnKQYSg_ngIbVjrkR3YhcM6OcncIA/w478-h194/GRATITUDE.jpg" width="478" /></a></div><span style="font-size: large;">The Power of Thanks</span></span></b><div><br /><b>As children most of us are taught to say thank you.</b> Children often look at it as a chore, something parents demand, rather than a condition of their heart.<br /><br /><b>A meaningful “thank you” comes from a heart of gratitude.</b> We teach our children to say “thank you” even for a gift that they really don’t want or an action about which they don’t care.<br /><br />We can always tell when a “thank you” doesn’t sound sincere. <b>But a sincere “Thank you!” brings delight to our soul.</b><br /><br />From a study at UNC-Chapel Hill, “Researchers studying gratitude have found that <b>being thankful and expressing it to others is good for our health and happiness. </b>Not only does it feel good, it also helps us <b>build trust and closer bonds with the people around us.<br /></b><br />Now, a new study suggests that <b>expressing gratitude</b> not only improves one-on-one relationships, but <b>could bring entire groups together—inspiring a desire to help and connect in people who simply witness an act of gratitude.”</b><br /><br />As people witness expressions of gratitude, t<b>hey think more highly of the person giving as well as the person receiving it.</b> They are are attracted to working with these people and <b>they are more likely to express appreciation as well. <br /></b><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Why it’s important ……</span><br /></span></b><br /><b>Making gratitude and giving thanks (to God and to others) forces us to look for the good in our lives.</b><br /><br /><b>As humans,</b> our natural tendency is to see that negative around us. But when we are focused on the good, we are less focused on the negative. <br /><br /><b>We also are forced to acknowledge that others are involved in our well-being.</b> This attitude moves pride aside. We thank God for who He made us to be - our healthy bodies, our intellect, our unique gifts and talents. <br /><br />We can train ourselves to focus on the good in our lives. We can teach our children to make that a part of their character. <b>When gratitude becomes a habit, it is expressed sincerely and often. <br /></b><br />An unknown author once said,<b> “The things we take for granted are dreams to many people.” </b><br /><br /><b><i>What do we take for granted but are prized by others? Are we thankful for them? <br /><br />When is that last time we thanked God for them?<br /></i></b><br /><b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">How and When ….</span></b><br /><br /><i><b>Does is matter how we express our gratitude?</b></i><br /><br />An expression of thanks in any form is better than none at all. To be effective,<b> be specific about what you are thanking the person</b> - <i>thank you for doing the dishes ….. thank you for the gift card that you gave me for my birthday . . . . thank you for working so hard. <br /></i><br /><b>The thanks will have even more impact if you express it publicly.</b> For example, express the sentiment in front of your husband and friends, <i>I am so thankful that my husband took such good care of me while I was sick.</i><br /><br /><b>A hand-written thank you note </b>has become a rare treat since that presence of emails and text messages. Because of their rarity, they have even more impact.<br /><br />In my (Donna’s) first job out of college, my employer would thank me when they handed me my paycheck. <b>I was shocked! </b>I had never experienced that before or heard of it. That expression of thanks for my work went a long way in how I felt about my employment. And I have never forgotten it.<br /><br /><b><i>Do we need to thank someone for doing their job</i></b> - whether it is thanking an employee or a wife for what she does for the family or the husband for providing for the family (or vice versa)?<br /><br /><b>Expressing gratitude to our spouse for “doing their part” or</b> for the more menial tasks makes them feel loved and appreciated.<br /><br />In her research about marriage, Shaunti Feldhahn found that<b> husbands feel more loved when their wife tells them “thank you for ….” than from saying “I love you” to them.</b><br /><br />Her research shows that <b>79% of men in highly happy marriages </b>say that it deeply pleases them when “She notices when I do something and sincerely thanks me for it.” <br /><br /><b>Even if one person in a relationship</b> (marriage, parents, workplace)<b> implements sincere gratitude, it changes the environment for the better.<br /></b><br /><b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Consider ….</span></b><br /><br /><b>Ingratitude can be a very destructive state of mind. </b><br /><br />I<b>ngratitude is so focused on what I don’t have</b> or unmet expectations in my life <b>to the exclusion of all of the good that God has given me. </b><i>Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father.</i> (James 1:17)<br /><br />Ingratitude leads to anger, bitterness, and even depression. A lack of gratitude erodes relationships.<br /><br /><b><i>Why are people ungrateful?</i></b><br /><br /><b>There can be many roots to the fruit of ingratitude. </b>They can include: an expectant attitude, a demanding spirit, selfishness or self-centeredness, and pride. <br /><br /><b><i><span style="color: #666666;">A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves.</span></i></b> Henry Ward Beecher<br /><br />Gratitude changes everything.<br /><br /><b><i><span style="color: #666666;">Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.</span></i></b> William Arthur Ward</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-78309589997320634082022-08-23T16:21:00.000-05:002022-08-23T16:21:27.870-05:00Can my marriage change?<p><b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"> YES!</span></b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ7I6qzcmYpD6DfCP-5fiD0MUXxyxm_vmww1m6M34riCFpipFtCNZDxMpNE3Kdyfq-oTBwdLl-MDXxpwcmTVl-PqpxYcwff6yzEFdYlOMjKyylHZyo0LDCVzqgUHR-HLgSsESQzIZGlt8GtNxFY8hpjbNCa5fTFTH9K80Ya1GBqvybhQYiKAqMe9UO/s681/Marriages%20can%20change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="524" data-original-width="681" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ7I6qzcmYpD6DfCP-5fiD0MUXxyxm_vmww1m6M34riCFpipFtCNZDxMpNE3Kdyfq-oTBwdLl-MDXxpwcmTVl-PqpxYcwff6yzEFdYlOMjKyylHZyo0LDCVzqgUHR-HLgSsESQzIZGlt8GtNxFY8hpjbNCa5fTFTH9K80Ya1GBqvybhQYiKAqMe9UO/s320/Marriages%20can%20change.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>After counseling hundred of couples and/or individuals who are married, we have seen that <b>marriages CAN change</b>, even if only one person is trying to improve their marriage.*<p></p><p>We have observed the change that takes place both in our own marriage and that of many others. While we knew what worked for us, what works for others may be different. But we are happy to say that someone did research on this phenomenon! <a href="https://shaunti.com" target="_blank">Shaunti Feldhahn</a> discovered the<b> important elements of a highly successful marriages</b>. [see the research<a href="https://shaunti.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/Surprising-Secrets-Survey_rev050122.pdf" target="_blank"> here</a>]</p><p><b><i>How many marriages are actually happy?</i></b> </p><p>Contrary to what you may hear, the research shows that <b>77% of all couples </b>say that are "highly happy" or "mostly happy!"</p><p>You have heard the phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff." It turns out that <b>the "small stuff" can make a huge difference in marriage!</b></p><p>As Shaunti points out, for change to come about, we need to study the bright spots in marriage, not just the problems.</p><p>In struggling marriages,<b> </b>their perspective on how their spouse feels may <b>vary greatly</b> from how their spouse truly feels. </p><p>In response to the statement, <b>“Even in the middle of a painful argument, I know that my spouse is fully ‘for me’ and deeply cares about me,"</b> 41% of struggling couples disagree with that sentence. In highly happy couples, 96% agree with that statement. But the percent<b> "who care about their spouses and want the best for them, even during painful times," 80% of struggling couples agree with that statement. </b></p><p><b>A huge gap exists</b> between the reality and the perception of how a spouse feels in a struggling marriage. </p><p><b>Marriages that change</b> find ways to change that perception. </p><p><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Learn more about the ways that couples can change their marriage in our next blog!</span></b></p><p><b>*One caveat</b> - one person cannot save the marriage alone if the other one chooses to leave.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-60475619472749616442020-07-30T11:28:00.000-05:002020-07-30T11:28:04.429-05:00Work-from-home Marriage<h3></h3><h2 style="text-align: left;"><font color="#3d85c6" size="3">Together …. all the time</font></h2><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: #3d85c6; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMuAy5f6wC1-a3rUL1lke9D_ZaLnX1P06r6wvqQEUMjv_s55FA2kS_LeO2rbbaFztSLPGK15yZhw8czYX6bkb2hQsIYWSjpwsr60Ulamk9h2MRgngrUKH1QjFGY1sYlSttuc_p3_zj6YU/s600/Marriage+masks+blue.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><font size="3"><img border="0" data-original-height="419" data-original-width="600" height="279" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMuAy5f6wC1-a3rUL1lke9D_ZaLnX1P06r6wvqQEUMjv_s55FA2kS_LeO2rbbaFztSLPGK15yZhw8czYX6bkb2hQsIYWSjpwsr60Ulamk9h2MRgngrUKH1QjFGY1sYlSttuc_p3_zj6YU/w400-h279/Marriage+masks+blue.png" width="400" /></font></span></a></div><font size="3"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><div><font size="3"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></font></div>We married to be together forever.</span><i> Did we have any idea it would include together 24/7?</i></font><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span><font size="3">Durin</font></span><span style="font-size: medium;">g our current pandemic,</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">everything has changed. We have all had adjustments and disappointments. </span></p><b>Our daughter</b> eagerly anticipated her wedding for over a year. None of us knew her wedding would look completely different than planned. Some have missed graduations, trips, or other special occassions.<br /><br /><b>We feel</b> for everyone who works from home, along with their spouse, and children. <br /><br />For many families, it has been <b>a blessing</b> to have that much time together. For others, it is a time of <b>high stress and anxiety. </b><br /><br /><b>Financial and/or employment changes</b> pile more stress on top. <b>Forced separation</b> from older parents or other family members strain the emotions. <b>A change in schedule</b> and routine throw us off balance. We might feel <b>confused or a lack of direction</b> in general in our lives. Our <b>coping skills</b> are stretched.<br /><br /><b>Whatever irritations or conflicts</b> that were already present in a marriage are <b>magnified</b> in the togetherness experienced every day. <br /><br /><b>Younger couples</b> are still learning to be compatible. <b>For older couples,</b> we have learned more about how to live in the constant closeness.<br /><br /><b><i>How do we make it when togetherness causes stress and conflict? </i></b><div><b><i><br /></i></b><div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><b><font color="#3d85c6">We are in this Together ……</font></b></h3><b><i>Is anyone else tired of hearing that phrase?</i></b><br /><br /><b>It is such an odd phrase</b> when the reality is that we are not together with many others. <b>The intent is that we are all experiencing the same thing right now</b>…. around the world.<br /><br />Few of us have seen anything that<b> brought the whole world to its knees.</b> The futility in the power of humans is on display. <i>How many of us are directing our utter helplessness to God? </i><br /><br /><i>The Lord knows all human plans; He knows that they are futile. <br /></i> Psalm 94:11<br /><br /><i>The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him. </i><br /> Psalm 28:7<br /><br /><i>The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.</i> </div><div>Romans 8:26</div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><font color="#3d85c6"><br /></font></h3><h3 style="text-align: left;"><font color="#3d85c6">Better Together ….</font></h3><b>Going through a crisis together can actually strengthen a marriage</b> . . . . when a couple works together instead of directing their anxiety, anger, or frustration at their spouse. <b>We WIL</b>L face a worse crisis than the one we are going through right now. Now is the time to learn to work together.<br /><br />Our current circumstance requires adaptations that may be new for us. </div><div><b>Consider these: </b><br /><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Show the same grace and understanding</b> that I want others to show me. We all have irritating habits. I want my spouse to overlook my habits. I can overlook his. </li><li><b>Have fun.</b> For those who work from home, it may be harder to find a cutoff time for work. It’s critical to take time for fun together right now! We may have to find some new ways to have fun since typical venues may be closed. </li><li><b>Remember why we married each other.</b> Reminisce about our days of dating and the highlights of our marriage. </li><li><b>Take time to be apart. </b>Give each other some space. She may need to go somewhere alone and read. He may need to work out. We all need time alone to diffuse, regroup, and refresh. To be better together, I have to be better personally. </li><li><b>Get outside and get exercise</b>. Go for a walk or bike ride. Try a kayak or a canoe. Get fresh air and some exercise - they reduce stress and release happy hormones in our brains. </li><li><b>Set a schedule but be flexible.</b> Most of us thought this wouldn’t last long and didn’t think about a different lifestyle long-term. </li><li><b>If you need to talk through a conflict,</b> schedule a time. Don’t have the conflict in front of the kids or at a time that it will disrupt work. </li><li><b>Spend time meditating on the Lord and His goodness! </b>Make a list of who He is, what He has done for you, and the blessings that He has given you. Express your gratitude to Him everyday!</li></ul><div><br /></div></div><div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><font color="#3d85c6">Resolve ….</font></h3><i><b>Your success and happiness lies in you.</b> <b>Resolve to keep happy,</b> and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.</i><br /> Helen Keller<br /><br />I have to come to grips with the fact that<b> another person is not responsible for my happiness. <br /></b><br />Most people aren’t able to just say “I am going to be happy.” But ALL of us can decide where to put our focus. I can <b>choose which thoughts that I allow to linger and grow.<br /></b><br /><b>My perspective on this pandemic determines whether I look at it with joy or disdain. </b><br /><br /><b>If I focus on what I have missed </b>(weddings, graduations, travel, events), my heart will be heavy. <br /><br /><b>If I focus on all that I still have </b>(family, friends, a home to live in, food to eat, extra free time), my heart will soar. <br /><br />I<b>f I focus on</b> what my spouse does that I don’t like, I will become angry and resentful. If I focus on the good in my spouse, I will be gracious and joyful.<br /><br /><b>I can resolve to focus on good.</b><br /><br /><i>Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—<b>think about such things.</b></i> Philippians 4:8</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-87319351824245333702019-09-26T13:06:00.000-05:002019-09-26T13:06:46.250-05:00Are you grace-full and grace-filled?<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><b>Full of Grace ….</b></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglYwzSOsEd95eI5H0yUvWJJI4uUIObGOR4EqaW53Hu4cVrVrv24gZh5oSxkk2SOFcN5u2KX2dll2qpdbSk1FT4Sbc3d1NdjCUpLbJojxkp4DrnYB2MNbdLQ1nxZIv9Ni1zBot95E56FF4/s1600/Grace.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1580" data-original-width="1600" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglYwzSOsEd95eI5H0yUvWJJI4uUIObGOR4EqaW53Hu4cVrVrv24gZh5oSxkk2SOFcN5u2KX2dll2qpdbSk1FT4Sbc3d1NdjCUpLbJojxkp4DrnYB2MNbdLQ1nxZIv9Ni1zBot95E56FF4/s200/Grace.gif" width="200" /></a></b></span></div>
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</b></span><i><b>“Saving Grace”<br />“Amazing Grace”<br />“Fall from Grace”<br />“Say Grace”<br />“In Good Graces”<br />“By the Grace of God”</b></i><br />
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<b>GRACE</b> is a word that adorns many situations.<br />
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<i>What does <b>GRACE</b> really mean?</i><br />
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Some dictionary definitions include: <br />
<ul>
<li>unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification </li>
<li>a virtue coming from God </li>
<li>sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance </li>
<li>disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency </li>
<li>a special favor </li>
<li>a charming or attractive trait or characteristic </li>
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When we talk about a person who is <b>“graceful”</b> - we are usually talking more about their physical attributes than their character.<br />
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<i>But what about people who are full of grace?</i></div>
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<i>How do you describe that person?</i></div>
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<b>A person who displays grace is the person that understands and recognizes God’s grace in their life. </b>[see below]</div>
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<b>Grace-full is a person</b> who is not judgmental, who knows that we all need acceptance and understanding, and who extends love and kindness when we mess up. <b>A grace-full person is a grace-filled person.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">State of Grace ……</span></b><br />
<i><b>The ultimate test of our spirituality is the measure of our amazement at the grace of God. </b></i>Martin Lloyd-Jones<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrvnfuc0D-ArQwDnXn2TUffG6T5SMoydEDtwgABcFIBZplMBcNLRBtNzSLTJ0ywg8VUfm3Rr-O1O4STUUDdw0sRh-AARHHY9pizygBUgryV8_C0FK1OnoZ4JVCR38BuohaXDBLcG0EgEw/s1600/Yancey+grace.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1370" data-original-width="1600" height="273" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrvnfuc0D-ArQwDnXn2TUffG6T5SMoydEDtwgABcFIBZplMBcNLRBtNzSLTJ0ywg8VUfm3Rr-O1O4STUUDdw0sRh-AARHHY9pizygBUgryV8_C0FK1OnoZ4JVCR38BuohaXDBLcG0EgEw/s320/Yancey+grace.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Grace is getting what I don’t deserve. It is based on God’s mercy, not my merit.</b></div>
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<i>Christians live every day by the grace of God. I am <b>saved by grace</b>. For by <b>grace</b> you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.</i></div>
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Ephesians 2:8-9</div>
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<b>I grow in grace. </b></div>
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<i>… but <b>grow in the grace </b>and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.</i></div>
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2 Peter 2:18</div>
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<b>God’s grace is enough</b> for all that I encounter in life. </div>
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<i><b>My grace is sufficient </b>for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.</i></div>
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2 Corinthians 12:9 </div>
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<i>And God is able to make <b>all grace abound</b> to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed.</i></div>
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2 Corinthians 9:8</div>
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<b>God gave me a spiritual gift by grace.</b> </div>
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<i>We have different gifts, according to<b> the grace given</b> to each of us.</i></div>
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Romans 12:6</div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Good Grace ….</span></b></div>
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<i><b>Evidence we really understand God’s grace will be seen in our desire and ability to show God’s grace.</b></i> Randy Alcorn</div>
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<b>Grace is a defining characteristic of Christians.</b> It is the basis of our faith, our forgiveness. No other religion includes receiving something you don’t deserve.</div>
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<b>Yet, many Christians find it hard to exhibit grace. </b>The other person’s sin is so much greater, worse, more hurtful than my sin. I may compare the life of another to others but more often, I will compare it to an ideal, to what I think it should be.</div>
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<i><b>We all want grace, but we cannot enjoy grace when there is an attitude of comparing.</b></i> Jerry Bridges</div>
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<b>We all want grace shown to us.</b> But to show it to others, we must really understand t<b>he full extent of God’s grace.</b> How little we deserve, but how much we are given. </div>
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<b>Some people don’t have a box to put that in.</b> That can’t conceive of the magnitude of grace because they have never experienced it. I can bring another to a place of <b>receiving God’s grace when I show them grace. </b></div>
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<b>Grace looks like forgiveness and acceptance. </b>We have to experience the healing power of God’s grace to be grace-filled.</div>
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<i><b>Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. </b></i></div>
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Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)</div>
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<i><b>God's grace takes various forms</b> . . . grace is far <b>more than "niceness."</b> It's a powerful force, the force of forgiveness and reconciliation and transformation. . . For me, the goal in each case is to begin to see others through what I call <b>"grace-healed eyes.”</b></i> Philip Yancey</div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Amazing Grace ….</span></b><br />
<i><b>The meaning of life. The wasted years of life. The poor choices of life. God answers the mess of life with one word: ‘grace.'</b></i><br />
Max Lucado</div>
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Issac Newton wrote the hymn, <b>Amazing Grace</b>, as a testimony to his own experience of with God. God met him in a storm and his life changed. The hymn was a reflection of his spiritual growth and love for the Lord. That hymn has become one of the most recognized songs in America. It has brought healing, encouragement, and tears to many. It is estimated that the song is performed at least 10 million times annually.</div>
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As each of us looks at the many messes of our own lives and compare it to the never ending love of God, <b>we too are amazed at His grace.</b></div>
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<i><b>The grace of God is dangerous. </b>It's lavish, excessive, outrageous, and scandalous. <b>God's grace is ridiculously inclusive.</b> Apparently God doesn't care who He loves. He is not very careful about the people He calls His friends or the people He calls His Church.</i> Mike Yaconelli<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-5191092521921970592019-09-02T15:20:00.001-05:002019-09-02T15:20:14.656-05:00CLOSING the GAP<div style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<b><span style="color: #38761d; font-size: large;">Turn towards - Turn away ….</span></b><br /><b><i>What happens when a distance grows between us? <br /><br />How did we get to this place?</i><br /><br />Every marriage has times when we feel a distance between us.</b> Those times can be momentary. When the distance goes on for extended times, a red flag is waving!<br /><br />As they say in the U.K., <b>“Mind the gap!”</b><br /><br />One or both partners <b>withdraw</b> for many reasons. <br /><br /><b>For example: </b></div>
<ul>
<li>My spouse said something that <b>hurt my feelings. </b></li>
<li>I decide to <b>punish my spouse</b> for their words or behavior. </li>
<li><b>I don’t feel safe</b>, afraid of criticism or being ridiculed. </li>
<li>I don’t feel my spouse <b>cares about me. </b></li>
<li>I don’t think my spouse <b>values what I have to say</b>, so I won’t try to talk to him/her. </li>
<li>I don’t think my spouse is <b>interested in what I have to say. </b></li>
<li>My spouse <b>shuts me down</b> when I try to have a conversation. </li>
</ul>
When any of these occur,<b> I have to decide what to do …. my decision can close or widen the gap.</b><br />
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<b><i>Am I going to turn towards my spouse or turn away?</i></b></div>
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<b>It takes compassion, courage, forgiveness, and God’s love</b> to turn towards your spouse to close the gap between you. [See more below]<br /><br /><b><span style="color: #38761d; font-size: large;">God Talk ……</span></b><br /><b><i>When love is felt,<br /> the message is heard. </i></b> Jim Vaus<br /><br /><b>Small cracks in communication create gaps in our relationships.</b><br /><br /><b>God gives us much guidance on healthy communication. </b>These skills are crucial to every successful relationship - with family, friends, and in business. And they can be learned!</div>
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<i>Approach the conversation in humility. Show that you value the other person. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. </i>Philippians 2:3-4 </div>
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<i>Listen to the heart of the other person. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.</i> James 1:19 </div>
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<i>Strengthen others with your word, rather than attacking. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. </i> Ephesians 4:29<br /><br /><b><span style="color: #38761d; font-size: large;">Good Turn ….</span></b><br /><b><span style="color: #134f5c;">Let’s close the gap!</span></b><br /><br />Instead of turning away - here are some<b> ideas to turn towards each other.</b><br /><br /><b>The little things count big time!</b> In every day conversation, I have multiple chances to turn towards my spouse. It can be something as small as one saying, “It’s a beautiful day outside.” They haven’t asked for a response. But a response shows I am listening and I care. I can ignore it (worse than turning away). I can disagree (at least they know I am listening). <b>Best of all, I can affirm what they say - turn towards.</b><br /><br />When one person withdraws because of hurt feelings or anger, <b>I can give them space but pursue reconciliation. </b>I can ask if we can discuss it later, after we both have had time to process what happened.<br /><br /><b>It’s critical that the withdrawer agree to a later conversation.</b> If they don’t, that usually indicates a desire to punish, not reconcile.<br /><br />Another aspect of closing the gap is making sure that there is <b>a sense of safety in their communication. </b>That safety comes from a commitment not to ridicule, criticize, curse, name-call, or degrade each other. <br /><br />Turning towards each other means, <b>that when my partner speaks, I LISTEN.</b> Either I stop what I am doing and look at my spouse, or I say, “I would really like to listen to what you are saying, can you hold that thought just a minute, while I finish up this ….?”<br /><br />When I do listen, it’s important to<b> listen to the heart, not just the words. </b>If my spouse says, “I don’t want to go out tonight,” what is on their mind? I may be offended and assume that they don’t want to spend time with me. But <b>if I listen with my heart, I ask a follow up questions. </b>It may be that my spouse is concerned about finances or is too tired or is worried about something at work.</div>
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<b>I listen with compassion, not defensiveness. </b>I am willing to listen, not argue with their perspective. I can turn towards them, even in disagreement.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #38761d; font-size: large;">The Cycle ….</span></b><br />Regardless of the reason for one person to withdraw, <b>a common cycle is for the other one to pursue when the first one withdraws.</b><br /><br />That pursuit causes more withdrawal . . . . . and more pursuit.</div>
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<b>Someone has to end the cycle!</b> The pursuer can ask for the matter to be discussed at a time that is mutually agreeable.<br /><br />Or the withdrawer can ask for some time to process what happened and agree on a time to re-visit the matter.<br /><br /><b>Avoid two destructive solutions - </b><br /> 1) continue the cycle or<br /> 2) both withdraw. <br /><br />To continue the cycle will bring <b>anger and resentment.</b> To mutually withdraw brings a<b> widening gap.</b><br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-33780758460729820002019-07-30T14:19:00.000-05:002019-07-30T14:35:54.154-05:00Emotional Intimacy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Our souls crave intimacy. </span></b></i>Erwin McManus<br />
The longing for someone to <b>know my innermost thoughts or feelings and still love and accept me </b>resides deep in the heart of every person.<br />
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<b>Real emotional intimacy is when I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with another person AND that person can do that with me.</b><br />
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<b>We do not share our deepest thoughts and feelings with everyone. </b>We are willing to share some thoughts with acquaintances or strangers. We will share more thoughts and feelings with friends. <br />
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<b>But we only share very personal thoughts and feelings with close friends, family, or a spouse.</b><br />
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To share on that very personal level, <b>the relationship must have a high level of trust. </b><br />
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<b>When I trust that person, </b>I believe that what I have said <b>won’t be shared</b> with other people and it <b>won’t be used against me.</b> It means that <b>my thoughts and feelings will be valued</b>. I have the assurance that<b> the person will still love and accept me, even if we disagree.</b><br />
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<b>To come to that point of intimacy, I must be willing to look at myself honestly and come to an acceptance of who I am.</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Divine intimacy ……</span></b><br />
<i>The deepest desire of our hearts is for union with God. From the first moment of our existence our most powerful yearning is to fulfill the original purpose of our lives – ‘to see Him more clearly, love Him more dearly, follow Him more nearly.’ We are made for God, and nothing less will satisfy.</i> Brennan Manning<br />
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<b>THERE IS ONLY ONE </b>who knows all of my deepest thoughts and feelings, even those that never leave my mouth, that reside in my heart. That One is God himself. He knows all of what’s inside me but still loves me perfectly, unconditionally, and accepts me just as I am.<br />
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<i>The Christian life is not about all the things we do for God- it's about being loved by Him, loving Him in return, and walking<b> in intimate union and communion with Him</b></i><b>.</b> Nancy Leigh DeMoss<br />
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<i>This is eternal life, that <b>they may know You</b>, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.</i> John 17:3<br />
<i><br />Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with t<b>he infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. </b></i>Philippians 3:8<br />
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">Developing emotional intimacy ….</span></b><br />
<b>One of the first steps in developing intimacy in a relationship is acceptance </b> - both for the other person and for myself.<br />
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Acceptance does not mean agreement. I can disagree with a person’s opinion or behavior and still <b>accept who he is as a person.</b><br />
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<b>Acceptance means</b> that I will not reject you or try to change you.<br />
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<b>Another step to intimacy is being vulnerable</b> with that person. Being vulnerable means that I expose myself emotionally - my fears, my doubts, my shame. <br />
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<b>Vulnerability is risky.</b> I risk what others think of me. I risk acceptance and love. <b>I am not vulnerable with everyone, only with those I trust. </b>But we will never have that intimacy in our relationship without it.<br />
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That is why <b>trust is another step to intimacy. </b>I have to be trustworthy so that the other person can risk vulnerability. That person has to be certain that I won’t reject, ridicule, or betray him. Without trust, we cannot have emotional intimacy.<br />
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One time that many people become more emotionally intimate is <b>when they find themselves in a stressful situation and work together</b> during that experience. We see that in the military when they serve in the trenches together. When we go on mission trips, we forge closer bonds because we see each other when we are extremely tired, often stressed, and sometimes anxious. <br />
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<b>Another way to form a close emotional connection is to share spiritually with each other.</b> I can <b>talk about what God has shown me and how He has changed me. </b>I have to be open and honest about why I needed changing and how I open myself to Him.<br />
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<b>Emotional intimacy brings joy into our lives!</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">What it is not ….</span></b><br />
<ul>
<li><b>Emotional intimacy does not require that I agree with you. </b></li>
<li><b>It does not mean </b>that we like all of the same things or share the same experiences. </li>
<li><b>Emotional intimacy does not mean that I share every thought that I have.</b> That is dangerous and destructive!</li>
<li><b>Emotional intimacy is not critical or judgmental. </b>Those attitudes are the opposite of acceptance.</li>
<li><b>Emotional intimacy is not manipulative. </b>I don’t use emotions to try to control the other person’s emotions, behavior, or response to me.</li>
<li><b>Emotional intimacy is not exclusive. </b>I can have an emotionally intimate relationship with more than one person. I can be emotionally intimate with my spouse, my friend (of the same gender), and my sibling. It can look different in each of those relationships. </li>
<li><b>Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy.</b> When a couple is sexually intimate, they often think that means they are emotionally intimate also. But it does not; sexual intimacy can mask a lack of emotional intimacy. They can enhance each other but they are not the same.</li>
</ul>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-37830805407168666212019-04-29T13:29:00.000-05:002019-04-29T13:29:38.344-05:00What is the biggest problem in marriages?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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That question has an easy answer - <b>being selfish!</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeO3HK4AjpQk3vAHxl_SjGavNU4OksOopB2z1pwQrlexa9OhJ12l2ehnk7XAjwJEwv5HUSdcLoR_2aZLuS4GELzWCMf14DIHfT8SuMqqDuvpjcj7xBa26l4h0L-9zo_uQJ2QFi-ORDCJ4/s1600/IMG_9836EA7A9044-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeO3HK4AjpQk3vAHxl_SjGavNU4OksOopB2z1pwQrlexa9OhJ12l2ehnk7XAjwJEwv5HUSdcLoR_2aZLuS4GELzWCMf14DIHfT8SuMqqDuvpjcj7xBa26l4h0L-9zo_uQJ2QFi-ORDCJ4/s320/IMG_9836EA7A9044-1.jpeg" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a>Marriage, friendships, and family relationships are <b>damaged with selfishness but thrive with selflessness.</b></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large; font-weight: bold;">SELFLESS</span></div>
<b><i>Selfless is simply the opposite of selfish.</i></b><br />
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Humility and selflessness are very similar. C. S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” The same can be said of being selfless - <b>THINK of MYSELF LESS.</b><br />
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<b>Instead of focusing on what I want,</b> I focus on what those around me want or need. <b>Instead of being preoccupied with how I feel,</b> I am thinking of how others feel.<br />
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<i>Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. </i>(Philippians 2:3) One theologian described that phrase “value others above yourselves” as <b>“consider others worthy of preferential treatment.”</b><br />
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<b> Selfless does NOT mean: </b><br />
<ul>
<li>I don’t take care of myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. </li>
<li>I don’t protect myself. </li>
<li>I don’t express my feelings. </li>
<li>I don’t seek God on what I do or don’t do. </li>
<li>I don’t spend time doing things that I enjoy </li>
</ul>
<i>Agape love is <b>selfless love</b> . . . the love God want us to have isn’t just an emotion but a conscious act of the will - a deliberate decision on our part to put others ahead of ourselves. This is the kind of love God has for us.</i> Billy Graham<br />
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We are born selfish, not selfless. See below for more on selfishness and moving to selflessness.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">PLEASURE</span></b><br />
<i><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">If Christ’s honor is our passion, the pursuit of pleasure in Him is our duty.</span></b></i> John Piper<br />
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In the Bible, we find <b>two kinds of pleasure</b>. </div>
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<b>The pleasure of God</b> - “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13) That pleasure is “eudokeó,” which means good will or pleasing. <br />
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Then we have <b>the pleasures that humans often seek.</b> “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” (James 4:3) This kind of pleasure is “hédoné,” which references “a strong desire, passion,” also translated as lust in some verses. We get the word “hedonism” from this Greek word.<br />
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There is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure . . .<b> in Him</b>. John Piper calls it Christian Hedonism. <br />
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He contends that God has created us to be pleasure seekers - but that pleasure is to be in enjoying God, worshipping Him. <br />
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Seeking pleasures of the flesh, our physical or sensual appetites, will <b>result in emptiness and self-destruction - often at the expense of others.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">SELFISH</span></b></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.</span></b> </i>Martin Luther King, Jr.</div>
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<b>The dictionary - concerned chiefly or only with oneself.</b> Some of the synonyms include egoistical, greedy, narcissistic, self-indulgent - short-term satisfaction, regardless of long-term affects. <br />
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<b>The saddest part of selfishness is that while I am seeking pleasure for my desires, <i>I am walking a road of self-destruction.</i></b><br />
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<b>Some signs of selfishness</b>, especially in marriage: <br />
<ul>
<li>Believe it all is about you. </li>
<li>Think you are better than your spouse. </li>
<li>Only care about yourself and your happiness. </li>
<li>Are controlling. </li>
<li>Don’t like to give/share with spouse. (e.g.- giving praise.) </li>
<li>Find it difficult to compromise. </li>
<li>Blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong, especially in your marriage. </li>
<li>Hide things you know you should be sharing with your spouse. </li>
<li>Feel as if you are competing with your spouse. </li>
</ul>
<i>How does selfishness affect marriage (most relationships)?</i><br />
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<b>Selfishness …</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Creates a lot of hurt and resentment. </li>
<li>Shuts down the other person, causing stress and unhappiness. </li>
<li>Thinks the worst of the other person, instead of the best. </li>
<li>Is disrespectful. </li>
<li>Escalates differences. </li>
<li>Drives others away. </li>
<li>Is very unappealing to others. </li>
<li>Sabotages marriage and other relationships.</li>
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">TURN AROUND</span></b></div>
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<b><i>We are born selfish, but we don’t have to stay that way! </i></b></div>
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God calls us to <b>deny the flesh and walk in the Spirit</b>. When we are walking in the Spirit, the fleshly desires do not enslave us. <br />
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<i>But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another. </i>Galatians 5:16-17a <br />
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<b><i>How do I change? </i></b><br />
<ul>
<li>First admit — to yourself/your spouse — that you're selfish. </li>
<li>Focus on the best in the other person, not the things that you don’t like. </li>
<li>Approach the relationship in humility (take responsibility for misunderstandings instead of blaming your spouse). </li>
<li>See the long-term affects of your actions - will my actions strengthen the relationship or drive us farther apart? </li>
<li>Find joy in making others happy instead of focusing on your own desires. </li>
<li>Realize that everything you have is because of God’s grace, not because you deserve it. </li>
<li>Be grateful.</li>
</ul>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-50001053504141938902019-03-27T11:56:00.001-05:002019-03-27T11:56:37.661-05:00How do I change my center?<i>The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is <b>thinking of myself less</b>… True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. <b>The freedom of self-forgetfulness.</b></i> Tim Keller<br />
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This post is part 2 about our center. See part 1 <a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2019/03/where-is-your-center.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">God and Other Centered ….</span></b><br />
<i><b>When God and others become the center of my focus,</b> I quit thinking of everything in terms of me - “What is this saying about me?” or “How is this going to affect me?”</i><br />
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This concept is the antithesis of our current culture. Life is not about me!<br />
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Besides looking through the lens of others, <b>we can also see the situation with “God eyes.” We can see life as God sees it. </b>This is part of growing and maturing as a believer.<br />
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<b>If I think that my spouse</b> isn't meeting my needs, I can shift my focus from "I am unhappy" to "How can I do for my spouse?" </div>
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<b>If a friend or family member </b>says something that hurts my feelings, I can re-focus from "Why are they trying to hurt me?" to "I don't think they want to intentionally hurt me. I wonder what they were really trying to say. I will ask them to clarify what they are saying."<br />
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<b>If I missed that stage of development in my own life, I can be intentional about changing.</b><br />
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<b>Ask yourself:</b></div>
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<ul>
<li><i>Is there a truth here about me that God wants me to learn? </i></li>
<li><i>Am I open and teachable? </i></li>
<li><i>Is there something about God Himself that He wants me to learn? </i></li>
<li><i>How does He want me to interact with the person in this situation? </i></li>
</ul>
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<b style="color: #134f5c;"><span style="font-size: large;">The Focus of a Child ….</span></b></div>
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It’s true that children are born with an innocence about the world. But they are also born with an inclination to sin. We don’t have to teach children to be selfish. <b>Part of our role as an adult is to teach them to move from “self” to others and God.</b><br />
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<b>Children are very self-centered </b>because everything is centered on them from birth. They can’t do anything for themselves. So, if they cry, someone runs to their aid. Every need is met by someone else. Someone feeds them. Someone keeps them warm. Someone makes sure that they are rested.<br />
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But a day comes when, they are no longer the center of the world - other people’s need are taken care of - sometimes before that of the baby. <b>Children can be taught and trained to look at the needs of the people in their world - before their own.</b><br />
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We teach them to <b>focus on what God want</b>s in a relationship with them and what He wants for them in relationships with other people. <b>This shift does not happen on its own! We have to teach them!</b></div>
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<i><b>Love the Lord your God</b> with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. <b>Impress them on your children. </b></i></div>
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[Deuteronomy 6:5-7]</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-72908398049827644562019-03-26T13:59:00.000-05:002019-03-27T11:58:50.033-05:00Where is your center?<div>
<b>No one likes to think of themselves as self-centered - but we are all self-centered at times.</b></div>
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Self-centered is more than we commonly think in regard to it. <b>Self-centered means that whatever happens in my world is about ME.</b><br />
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As a child, if dad comes home for work and is in a bad mood, the child doesn’t think “Dad must have had a bad day.” The child thinks, “I wonder what I did to make Dad mad.”<br />
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<b>In a self-centered world,</b> all of the actions, attitudes, and speech in my world are a reflection on me. If a person is harsh with me, it must be my fault, something I did - not that they are being unkind.<br />
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This self-centered mindset enters into all relationships. In marriage, it means that I see whatever my spouse does is about me. If my spouse is irritable, I have done something OR he is purposefully being mean to me. I don't consider that he might have something happening to him that is causing the irritability.<br />
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We carry that over to relationships with friends or family members. If my parents brag on my sister's kids that means that they like them more than my kids. I don't consider that they brag on my kids to my sister or others. It might be that they like to brag on their grandkids.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">SELF'S ORIGIN …… </span></b><b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i>When the Fall in Genesis 3 happened, “self” became dominant.</i></b><br />
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Man and woman became self-centered, self-conscious, selfish, and other self’s.<br />
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<b>When Adam and Eve succumbed to Satan’s temptation in the garden, they chose to believe the lie of the enemy that they could be their own god. </b><br />
<i><br />When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.</i> </div>
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[Genesis 3:6]<br />
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They decided to please themselves, rather than to please God. From that point on, every child is born self-centered. [see more on this on the next post]<br />
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God, through the power of His Word and His Spirit, seeks to<b> move us away from the self life. </b><br />
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<i>Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather,<b> in humility value others above yourselves, </b>not <b>looking</b> to your own interests but each of you<b> to the interests of the others</b>.</i></div>
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[Philippians 2:3-4]<br />
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<i>No one should seek their own good, but <b>the good of others.</b></i></div>
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[1 Corinthians 10:24]<br />
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<i>I have been crucified with Christ and<b> I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.</b> The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. </i></div>
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[Galatians 2:20]</div>
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<i>Love one another with brotherly affection. <b>Outdo one another in showing honor.</b> </i> </div>
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[Romans 12:10 ESV]</div>
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<i>Greater love has no one than this: to <b>lay down one’s life for one’s friends.</b></i><b> </b> </div>
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[John 15:13]</div>
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<i>As believers we are either centered on man or centered on God. </i></div>
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<i>There is no alternative. </i></div>
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<i>Either God is the center of our universe and </i></div>
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<i>we have become rightly adjusted to Him, </i></div>
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<i>or we have made ourselves the center and </i></div>
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<i>are attempting to make all else orbit around us and for us. </i></div>
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Author Unknown</div>
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See <a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2019/03/how-do-i-change-my-center.html" target="_blank">the next post</a> about moving your center.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-80918127462026926632019-02-14T11:52:00.000-06:002019-02-14T11:52:56.849-06:00What is Love and Where did it come from?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b>Love is…a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate </b></i><i><b>good as far as it can be obtained. </b></i></div>
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C.S. Lewis<div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEDGGcv9QpDLehF008xRzJbXYU-HaZa3LMNoQNudGGjWQvvF2nmFyM3o3WJoJhCDgmlGmSTzjFPui_Q1v6WteKIA00jsHP_XkrobMG27_V4CM4gX9kau7BwC3QSHae0UjR36fDpglGdt0/s1600/Heart+multi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="732" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEDGGcv9QpDLehF008xRzJbXYU-HaZa3LMNoQNudGGjWQvvF2nmFyM3o3WJoJhCDgmlGmSTzjFPui_Q1v6WteKIA00jsHP_XkrobMG27_V4CM4gX9kau7BwC3QSHae0UjR36fDpglGdt0/s200/Heart+multi.jpg" width="200" /></a><br /><i>How do you define love? </i><div>
<i><br />How do you describe it?</i></div>
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<i>Is it what you do or what you feel?</i></div>
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<br />It is both! <b>We often DO something because of what we FEEL.</b><br /><br />The feeling <b>may not be </b>that “warm, fuzzy” feeling that we associate with love. The feeling <b>may be </b>compassion or guilt or duty. <br /><br /><b>True love - love that lasts - starts with loving God. </b>The more I love Him, the more I come to know Him. The more deeply I know Him, I become overwhelmed with <b>His love for me and others. </b><br /><br /><b>I have His heart and mind for other people. </b>I have the compassion that He has. I have the patience that He has. I have the understanding that He has.<br /><br />When I truly love, <b>I love in the same way God loves. </b><br /><br /><i>Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.</i> John 13:34<br /><br /><b>I am to love others - regardless of what they do or don’t do. </b><br />It doesn’t mean that I agree with their behavior, condone, or support it. <br /><br />But it <b>does mean</b> that I strive to put what is best for that person ahead of what I want for myself. God wants the very best for people. <b>Because I love God</b>, I want the best for them too!<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #45818e;">Where did LOVE begin ……</span></span></b><br /><b>LOVE’s origin is the heart of God. </b><br /><br /><i>We love because<b> He first loved us.</b> </i><br /> 1 John 4:19<br /><br />The essence of God’s character is HOLY. <b>He shows me His holiness through His LOVE. </b><br /><br /><b>LOVE is the big word</b> that encompasses all that God does and feels towards me.<br /><br /><b>His LOVE </b>includes His forgiveness, compassion, mercy, acceptance, protection, kindness, and much more. Because of <b>His LOVE,</b> He delights in me. <br /><br /><b>His LOVE </b>for me depends on His character - not on my actions. He LOVES me because of who He is - not because of who I am. His LOVE is limitless and unrestricted.<br /><br /><i>I have loved you with <b>an everlasting love</b>; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.</i> Jeremiah 31:3<br /><br /><i>How priceless is <b>your unfailing love</b>, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings</i>. Psalm 36:7<br /><br /><i>Whoever does not love does not know God, because <b>God is love. </b></i><br /> 1 John 4:8<br /><br /><b><span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;">Labor of Love ….</span></b><br /><b><i>We fall in love by chance,</i></b><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>we stay in love by choice.</i></b><br /><br />Love is work.<br /><br />Love is hard.<br /><br />Love is demanding.<br /><br />Love is satisfying.<br /><br />Love is easy.<br /><br />Love is rewarding. <br /><br />When I got married, I committed to love my spouse and stay together - <b>FOREVER.</b><br /><br />I did not know the magnitude of that vow. I knew that to love unconditionally, that <b>I needed to learn to love no matter how I felt. </b><br /><br />I knew that I wanted to be loved - no matter what happened. <br /><br /><i>How do I <b>show</b> that kind of love?</i><br /><br />Love has to be <b>a choice I make every day</b>. Love is an action that makes that choice visible.<br /><br />As stated above, about God, <b>love is the big word</b> that includes so much.<br /><br /><b>If I love unconditionally and with no limit, I will …. </b><br /><ul>
<li><b>forgive</b> the hurts, not seek to pay it back </li>
<li><b>accept</b> the person, not try to change him </li>
<li><b>have compassion</b>, try to see life from his viewpoint </li>
<li><b>be kind,</b> regardless of the other person’s demeanor </li>
<li><b>be patient</b>, we are both imperfect </li>
<li><b>rejoice</b> in the victories and grieve in the losses </li>
<li><b>seek the very best</b> for that person </li>
<li><b>NOT GIVE UP! </b></li>
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<b>God doesn’t give up on me.</b> God doesn’t give up on you. I am not giving up on either or us!<br /><br />Love isn’t based on a feeling; it is based on a commitment, a choice. But the feeling of loving and being loved unconditionally cannot be surpassed. <br /><br /><b>That kind of love doesn’t come from what I get from another person but from what I give!</b> [see more below]<br /><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #45818e;">The Overflow ….</span></span></b><br />When I receive, believe, and experience the love of God, I am full. Then <b>I can overflow to others when I have received from Him.</b><br /><br />When I learn to love as God loves, <b>an indescribable joy settles in my heart and soul. </b><br /><br /><b>Love is</b> a fruit of the Spirit. <br /><br /><b>Love is not</b> the fruit of my self-effort. <br /><br />I cannot just try harder to love. <b>I love because He loves me. </b><br />If I want to do better at loving others, I can <b>study God’s love for me </b>until I am convinced of His love and understand how it looks. <b>When I renew my mind with His love,</b> it becomes part of my thinking in all of life. <br /><br /><b>A great place to start </b>is to read the Psalms and mark every time the word “love” appears. <br /><br />Psalm 13:5<br /><i>But I trust in <b>your unfailing love</b>.</i><br /><br />Psalm 17:7<br /><i>Show me the wonders of <b>your great love</b>.</i><br /><br />Psalm 23:6<br /><i>Surely <b>your goodness and love</b> will follow me all the days of my life.</i><br /><br />Psalm 57:10<br /><i>For <b>great is your love.</b></i></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-89729342512008675782018-09-28T16:42:00.001-05:002018-09-28T16:42:51.093-05:00Working Hard or Hardly Working?<b>We often enter adulthood</b> with the perspective that <b>doing chores at home is something to avoid.</b><br />
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<b>We dread </b>the simple tasks of cleaning or straightening the home. We put it off. We think of it as punishment or as menial.<br />
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That point of view is directly tied to <b>a lack of gratitude </b>for what God has given to each of us. Remember when you got your first car - you kept it washed and clean, you were so excited to have it. But after a while you take it for granted and washing is neglected. <br />
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<b>First, I start with the attitude</b> that I have the privilege of living in a home. <b>I get to clean </b>the bathroom because I have indoor plumbing and hot water. I am thankful for what God has provided! <b>Cleaning isn’t a drudgery; it’s a joy! </b><br />
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<i>But <b>what if I am doing all of the household chores</b> and no one else does anything? </i><br />
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<b>Second</b>, my spouse and/or children (see more about children and chores below) all come to <b>an agreement that it is a home for all of us and it’s not one person’s responsibility. </b></div>
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So, they aren’t “helping” me, they are being part of the family where we all take part in the tasks of a home. </div>
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<b>Third, be flexible about the criteria</b> for what it means to run a household. I may think that vacuuming once a month is ample, my spouse may believe that it should be done weekly. <b>Negotiate an acceptable level of cleanliness </b>for both people. </div>
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Realize that during the lifetime of a family,<b> the responsibilities will change with different life situations.</b> One may have a heavier work load outside the home. Another may be limited by physical abilities. <br />
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<b>Finally, be appreciative to everyone whenever they complete their part of the tasks! </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;">The Gift of Work……</span></b><br />
<i>We have become so engrossed in the work of the Lord that we have forgotten the Lord of the work.</i> A.W. Tozer<br />
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<b>God designed humans to work </b>from the very beginning. Before the fall, God gave man a job, Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. [Genesis 2:15]<br />
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Whether it is a job that I go to everyday or if it is a task that I do at home, <b>God gave me the ability to work. </b>In that work, <b>God wants me to glorify Him.</b> <br />
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As I do the work, I can be <b>a testimony to a loving, faithful God.</b> I can show His joy and His peace in whatever realm that I operate. <b>I can show my gratitude</b> for having clothes to wash, food to cook, and a home to clean! <br />
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<b>The work I do is a gift from God!</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;">Divisions of Labor ....</span></b></div>
<i>Each couple, no matter their culture or socio-economic class, <b>had this in common: They worked together as a team. </b>There was no my work or your work. It's our home, so it's our work. </i> Fawn Weaver (after interviewing couples around the world, who have been happily married for more than 25 years)<br />
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<b>The goal is to agree on what needs to be done, how often, and who is going to do it. </b><br />
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This division of labor is not for the wife to say, “I need more help.” <b>The division of labor is for both spouses to sit down and talk about their life together </b>- from work hours to taking care of the kids, cooking, laundry, cleaning, yard work, car maintenance, etc. <br />
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Even if one spouse does not work outside the home, <b>one person is not capable or should be 100% responsible for all of the above, BOTH spouses do some of it.</b> More than anything, we need to see it as<b> a team effort</b> (including children). Depending on our stage in life, our roles and responsibilities will change. <br />
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<b>For us, in our first seven years of marriage</b>, we did not have kids yet and we both worked full time. Whoever got home from work first started dinner. We did dishes together. On Saturday mornings, we both cleaned house until it was done. <br />
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<b>After we had children, </b>Donna was a stay-at-home mom for several years. She took on more responsibility for cleaning. She cooked. Ed cleaned up. Donna bathed the kids. We both put them to bed. <br />
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<b>As they started school</b>, Donna started working part-time while they were in school. Ed and the kids cleaned more.<br />
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<b>And now,</b> kids are gone. We work together all day. Donna carries more of the work load at Living Well. Ed does all the cooking and cleaning. Donna does the laundry. When we see something that needs to be done, we do it - “it’s not my job” is not an option. We serve each other. <br />
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Also, <b>every couple/family needs to see what each person is good at</b>, what they hate doing, and what they enjoy. If both people hate doing it, consider outsourcing it or alternating who does it. <br />
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<b>The whole process should be a negotiation </b>- not an argument or dictation. <b>We both thank the other for tasks completed - even if it’s their “job.”</b><br />
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<span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;"><b>Children and Chores ....</b></span><br />
Research from a 75-year Harvard study examined what variables from earlier in life predict health and well-being later in life. <b>Researchers found that children who were given chores became more independent adults. </b></div>
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<b>We are always amazed</b> about how much Zambian children help to clean at home and at school. They don’t resent it, they enjoy it. When you ask them what they enjoy, they will say, “helping at home.” <br />
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<b>One of the keys</b> for involving children with chores at home is to start young. Toddlers want to help, but often make more of a mess than help. Give them a part, like moving chairs while you mop or adding ingredients when you cook; they learn how to do each one better and better. <b>They enjoy it because you are together! </b><br />
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Even as children get older, <b>make it a family time</b>. It’s not work, it’s what we do as a family to take care of our home. <br />
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<b>Another key is to be specific, </b>not “clean your room,” but “put your toys away, make your bed.” <br />
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<b>Making a checklist</b> for them takes a lot of the nagging out of the process. They can see what still needs to be done, you don’t have to keep telling them. <br />
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<b>Chores are not punishment; they are training for life.</b><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-26087337338243514082018-08-30T16:45:00.000-05:002018-08-30T16:45:04.207-05:00What does the Perfect Spouse look like?<b><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-size: large;">Perfect vs. Perfect for Me</span></b><br /><b>The percent of young adults (25-34 yrs old) who are married has dropped by almost half in the last 50 years </b>- now it is about 45%.<br /><br />When asked <b>why they aren’t married,</b> the main responses are : <br /><ul>
<li><b>not financially prepared </b></li>
<li><b>haven’t found what they are looking for </b></li>
<li><b>not ready, too young </b></li>
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Consequently, the <b>age of first marriages has risen considerably. </b>That statistic is not all bad. <br /><br />But <b>the reasons for the delay display a need </b>to get everything right before taking the step of marriage. It is not that a person shouldn’t be thoughtful and prayerful about who to marry, but <b>high expectations can delay or disintegrate the onset of a marriage relationship.</b><br /><br /><b>The search </b>for the perfect person or the perfect relationship puts an unreasonable expectation and burden on a future marriage partner. <br /><br /><b>Waiting until the perfect moment in life to marry</b> causes some people to forego marriage entirely or miss some of the best parts of marriage.<br /><br /><i>How many of us who have been married a long time <b>cherish those first years of marriage?</b></i><br /><br />Instead of waiting for the perfect timing, <b>we plunged ahead to make our life together</b> - figuring out life, career, and family as we went. <br /><br />Instead of looking for the perfect person - <b>look for the person who is perfect for you!</b><br /><br />Instead of looking for the most attractive, the best personality, the smartest, or the most affluent, look for <b>God’s perfect gift for you! </b><div>
<br /><b><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-size: large;">A Gift</span></b></div>
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<i>Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is t<b>o look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating,</b> and to say, I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to His throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!</i> Tim Keller</div>
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<br /><b>God provides my spouse as a perfect gift to me.</b> The person isn’t perfect but is <b>perfect for me</b>. That doesn’t mean that the marriage won’t have struggles or adversity. The marriage relationship is one of the instruments that God uses to make us more like Him!</div>
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-size: large;">Myth of Perfect Spouse ….<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><i>Marriage is more about being the right person than marrying the right person.</i></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYd-C5nsXTmvFR2Zd5SEiv8XthPjMEX2Oc9WJlrQ5zrJB13w1MqxVOXIT2e5_Zo5i8zD8lYzDbo9UYbvfRD_dLAlG8iVQvVgYGeioDSE5g7_NJGYIb636_2Wu2wLwpyRCI9P89RoM5ogc/s1600/IMG_0394.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYd-C5nsXTmvFR2Zd5SEiv8XthPjMEX2Oc9WJlrQ5zrJB13w1MqxVOXIT2e5_Zo5i8zD8lYzDbo9UYbvfRD_dLAlG8iVQvVgYGeioDSE5g7_NJGYIb636_2Wu2wLwpyRCI9P89RoM5ogc/s320/IMG_0394.jpg" width="320" /></a><b>I start with a list in my head of qualities for a perfect spouse.</b> If I can just find the person with whom I can be compatible - <b>then we can have a great marriage</b>!<br /><br /><b>The hard reality is - I am not compatible with anyone! </b>The person that I should be most compatible to live with is a sibling of the same gender. We wouldn’t have gender differences. We would have very similar life experiences and family background. We have a similar genetic makeup. <br /><br />But how many of us are compatible with a sibling? Didn’t we fight and argue when we were growing up together?<br /><br />Ahhh, you say, but we get along fine now that we are adults. First of all, you don’t live together anymore. Secondly, <b>you have matured </b>- you won’t let anything come between you.<br /><br /><b><i>What is the application to marriage? </i></b></div>
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I<b>t’s unrealistic to think</b> that you will always get along with someone that you live with in such an intimate relationship and close proximity.<br /><br />But as in a sibling relationship, we learn to overlook the irritating habits and understand the meaning behind their statements. We accept them as they are and love them no matter what. <br /><br /><b>The other part of this myth </b>is that somehow I believe that I <b>measure up to being the perfect spouse for someone else. </b>Wrong! I am not a perfect person or a perfect spouse. In the same way I want my spouse to commit to love me for a lifetime, no matter what, I must make that same commitment. Then, <b>we can learn to be compatible!</b><br /><br /><b>We have to work our way through</b> the nuances of our personalities, our hope, our dreams, our goals, and our values. W<b>e end up with a marriage that has been forged in the fire into a beautiful work of God.</b></div>
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"For all the productivity and success advice I’ve read, shaped and marketed for dozens of authors in the last decade, I’ve never really seen someone come out and say: <b>Find yourself a spouse who complements and supports you and makes you better.</b>"</div>
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That comment was written by a young male blogger about his marriage.<br /><br /><i><b>Who is The One? </b></i><br /><br />Is it the bright, successful one? Be careful about making your (potential) spouse an idol.<br /><br />Or is the one <b>who will stand alongside you to find God’s will for your life together</b>, who seeks the very best for you?<br /><br /><i>Christ's life unfolds, in part, as we learn to appreciate the gifts He has given us. How easy it is to blame others for our unhappiness, but we are only unhappy when something other than Christ has become our life. (For example) The husband or wife who has Christ as their life, comes to their spousal relationship already satisfied. They do not come continually looking to made happy by another person's attention; they bring Christ's life to their spouse. </i><br /> Francis Frangipane<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-27073945243926485822018-08-25T13:45:00.000-05:002018-08-25T13:45:49.498-05:00What happened to the fun in marriage?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>We get married because we have fun together.</b> <i>Remember how you would talk for hours or hang out together, just the two of you?</i><br />
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Somewhere in marriage, through the years, <b>we forget to preserve the fun.</b><br />
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<b>Fun comes from time spent together </b>and usually from an activity that we share. <a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2018/07/are-you-drifting-apart-or-running-on.html" target="_blank"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Click here</span></b></a> to read about how the drift occurs and ways to increase fun times together.<br />
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<b>The fun in marriage can also come from enjoying my spouse and seeking to bring joy to my spouse’s life.</b><br />
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<b>When I shift my focus to my own personal pleasure</b> apart from the desires of my spouse, <b>my selfishness has taken over. </b><br />
<b>I can find momentary pleasure</b> in buying things or sex or eating or gambling, but the short term pleasure comes <b>at the expense of happiness and joy in marriage.</b><br />
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<b>God is NOT a cosmic killjoy! </b>He created the world for our enjoyment, but He never intended for us to find that enjoyment apart from Him. <b>When He satisfies my life</b>, I don’t have to seek selfish pleasures, <b>I can find joy in seeing my spouse have joy.</b><br />
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<i>If you live for private pleasure at the expense of your spouse,</i></div>
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<i>you are living against yourself and destroying your joy.</i></div>
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<i><b>But if you devote yourself to the holy joy of your spouse,</b></i></div>
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<i><b>you will also be living for your joy and</b></i></div>
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<i><b>making a marriage after the image of Christ.</b></i></div>
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John Piper</div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;"><b>The Joy ……</b></span><br />
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<i>You will <b>fill me with joy </b>in Your presence, <b>with eternal pleasures</b> at Your right hand. </i>Psalm 16:11 <br />
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<i><b>Rejoice </b>in the Lord always; again I will say, <b>rejoice!</b> </i>Philippians 4:4 <br />
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<b>God commands us </b>to rejoice in Him. <b>He promises</b> us His joy and pleasure. <br />
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<i><b>Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. </b>We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when<b> infinite joy is offered us</b>, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. <b>We are far too easily pleased.</b> </i>C.S. Lewis<br />
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<b>When we find joy in the Lord,</b> we will be filled with JOY and can pour it into the lives around us . . . without demanding anything in return.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-77635263807118171112018-07-30T15:06:00.002-05:002018-08-25T13:49:07.241-05:00Are you drifting apart or running on separate tracks?<br />
<b><span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;">Being intentional about connecting in your marriage is essential to avoid the “drift” apart.</span></b><br />
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We start marriage on the track together. At some point we lose sight of the destination; <b>the journey gets on separate tracks. </b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i><span style="color: #45818e;">Why? </span></i></b></span><br />
<ul>
<li><b>Too busy, </b>not paying attention to each other and what is happening. </li>
<li><b>Hurt by the other</b>, turning away, instead of turning towards each other. </li>
<li><b>Unrealistic expectations</b> of each other. </li>
<li><b>Don’t spend time together,</b> lose that feeling of closeness. </li>
<li><b>Don’t connect</b> except to deal with problems. </li>
<li><b>Consumed with work, kids, hobbies, etc.</b></li>
</ul>
<b>To stop the drift, become intentional with connecting in your marriage!</b> </div>
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It may take time to get back on the same track but <b>you can do it!</b></div>
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<ul>
<li><b>Daily: Spend 15-20 minutes every day</b> talking face-to-face (not texting/calling unless you are in separate cities) with no family or friends in the room; cell phone and TV off. </li>
<li><b>Weekly</b>: <b>Go out for fun! </b>Just the two of you. No serious discussions. </li>
<li><b>Yearly: Take two or more days off</b>, go somewhere as a couple.</li>
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<span style="color: #45818e;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<b>Finding Fun ….</b></div>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpalSS15tcRbYgsO8E4I41PRNfavWBY9PjZvIFWoC6HPiPEV4-pcPXOuYASqQRXH4jN5kGrFG_zAgx3bXMGQYkTR8yzHt-fCCFkpqZs1MoEaY45wuGILSnuMOMy6nHZ_id3_TptdcyfYs/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-07-30+at+2.59.41+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1468" data-original-width="942" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpalSS15tcRbYgsO8E4I41PRNfavWBY9PjZvIFWoC6HPiPEV4-pcPXOuYASqQRXH4jN5kGrFG_zAgx3bXMGQYkTR8yzHt-fCCFkpqZs1MoEaY45wuGILSnuMOMy6nHZ_id3_TptdcyfYs/s320/Screen+Shot+2018-07-30+at+2.59.41+PM.png" width="205" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://smile.amazon.com/10-Great-Dates-Connecting-Marriage/dp/0764211358/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1532980966&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Click here</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Research shows that <b>having fun together is a key factor</b> related to a couples overall marital happiness. <br />
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<b>To ensure successful, fun times together:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Agree on <b>a daily time together. </b></li>
<li>Make a r<b>egularly scheduled date night.</b> Put it on your calendar. Block it off, make it a priority. </li>
<li>Don’t discuss conflict issues on date nights. <b>Fun only! </b></li>
<li>Make date nights and get-aways <b>appropriate for your budget.</b> Find free activities in your area, take a walk, go to a park. Get the book “<b><a href="https://smile.amazon.com/10-Great-Dates-Connecting-Marriage/dp/0764211358/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1532980966&sr=8-1" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">$10 Great Dates</span></a></b>” for more ideas. </li>
<li><b>Focus on each other. </b>Put away cell phones. Inform the kids to call only if it’s an emergency. </li>
<li><b>Try something new</b> that you have never done before or go somewhere new. </li>
<li><b>Make a list of dates </b>that you would both enjoy. Write them out on cards. Get them out when it’s time to plan the next date. </li>
<li><b>Let go of expectations. </b>Enjoy the moment, even if it’s not what you thought it would be.</li>
</ul>
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<b><span style="color: #45818e;">See our <a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2018/08/what-happened-to-fun-in-marriage.html" target="_blank">next post</a> about bringing more joy to your marriage.</span></b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-6038676515832818862018-04-25T14:18:00.000-05:002018-04-25T20:01:31.435-05:00The Greatest Influence of a Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;"><b>For the hand that rocks the cradle, <br /> Is the hand that rules the world.</b></span></i><br />
William Ross Wallace<br />
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<b>The influence of a mother is undeniable.</b> The influence can be good, or not so good, … or some of both.<br />
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<b>The topic of motherhood is full of emotion,</b> for many reasons - the great mother who has passed away, the absent mother (physically or emotionally) that left a hole in a child’s life, the unfulfilled desire to be a mother, mother of children of another mother. [The complexities of motherhood will be explored in the next blog post.]<br />
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<b>Even as I write this, I am full of emotion, </b>thinking about my own mother. Even though she passed away over 7 years ago, I still talk to her in my mind everyday. Her presence is felt always.<br />
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<b>My mother gave me a sense of self-confidence,</b> a feeling of being loved always, and a positive spiritual influence. <b>She wasn’t perfect, but she was a great mom. </b>Her life has shown me that I don’t have to be perfect but I can still strive to be great.<br />
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<b>Mothers have the most remarkable ability</b> to love their children endlessly, no matter what. When we do that, <b>we show them how God loves.</b><br />
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<b>Our culture sends the message</b> that achievement outside the home is more significant.<br />
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Without a debate on working versus staying home, moms that choose to work inside the home, raising their kids are doing <b>a very significant and valuable job, one that no one else can fill!</b><br />
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<b><br /></b></div>
<b><span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;">Influence ……</span></b><br />
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<span style="color: #45818e;"><i><b>The influence of a mother </b>upon the lives of her children cannot be measured. They know and absorb her example and attitudes when it comes to questions of honesty, temperance, kindness, and industry. </i>Billy Graham </span><br />
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Paul wrote to Timothy about the great influence of faith, “I am reminded of <b>your sincere faith</b>, which <b>first lived in your grandmother </b>Lois and i<b>n your mother</b> Eunice and, I am persuaded, <b>now lives in you</b> also.” 2 Timothy 1:5 <br />
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Susanna Wesley gave birth to 19 children (10 survived past infancy). She had <b>a strong spiritual impact </b>on them. Two became great pastors who founded the Methodist church. John Wesley said of his mother, “<b>I learned more about Christianity </b>from my mother than from all the theologians in England.”</div>
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<b>See the next post </b>about the complexities of motherhood and fulfillment.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-23447131436993472092018-03-28T12:16:00.000-05:002018-03-28T12:16:17.557-05:00How To Live In A New Family<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<!--StartFragment--><b>Two times in our lives we have the opportunity to have a new family –</b> one is a spiritual family, the family of God, and the other is when we get married. Both times, God tells to leave the old behind and be united or to be one with the new.<br />
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<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
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<b><i>What does that mean and why is it important?<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></i></b><!--EndFragment--><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span></i></b>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW7euZexQL6Bvi3bjq-o2UPefjGjjN7Yb_W8I7PE1Sc-bUtme1aJPf2JsWD2SDSWpl5_A2vktWkzqqPyo5qa6qp_VsJ5I6M_9zIHPKjJON9Olcwpk7QGRnnRmqXKYmZgbVvFOy3Ej6VvI/s1600/Leave+honor.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW7euZexQL6Bvi3bjq-o2UPefjGjjN7Yb_W8I7PE1Sc-bUtme1aJPf2JsWD2SDSWpl5_A2vktWkzqqPyo5qa6qp_VsJ5I6M_9zIHPKjJON9Olcwpk7QGRnnRmqXKYmZgbVvFOy3Ej6VvI/s400/Leave+honor.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
Many problems in marriage come from a lack of oneness in marriage. That lack of oneness often has its roots in <b>a failure to leave the family of origin.</b><br />
<br />
<i><b>What does it mean to “leave” </b>the family you grew up in?</i><br />
<br />
<b>It DOES NOT mean you: </b><br />
<ul>
<li>Love them less </li>
<li>Quit seeing them </li>
<li>Don’t talk to them </li>
<li>Don’t ask for advice </li>
</ul>
<b>It DOES mean that you: </b><br />
<ul>
<li>Love your spouse as much or more than your parents/family </li>
<li>Make your spouse a priority </li>
<li>Are loyal to your spouse above anyone </li>
<li>Are no longer under the authority of your parents </li>
<li>Respect and honor your parents </li>
<li>Go to your spouse first with a problem </li>
<li>Decide as a couple what your values are </li>
<li>Still see and spend time with your family </li>
<li>Are the one who manages conflict with your own parents, rather than your spouse </li>
</ul>
No matter what the situation or what our parents are like, <b>we are to show them honor and respect - no matter what.</b> That part never changes. We speak respectfully and honor their role as a parent.<br />
<br />
<b>Leaving your family is often difficult.</b> It is hard to <b>make that transition</b> from talking to your mom/dad/sibling about events and feelings first, to talking to your spouse first.<br />
<br />
Because i<b>t takes awhile for a couple to learn how to support each other and communicate</b>, sometimes it is easier to go to your parents.<br />
<br />
<b>Your parents may give you advice</b> whether you ask for it or not. We are to continue to be respectful but to make decisions about our new family with our spouse. <br />
<br />
<b>Many concurrent themes run through the Bible</b> about leaving/uniting in marriage and leaving our old life to unite with Christ. See below for more info.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">LEAVE IT BEHIND .....</span></b></div>
<i>Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.</i> C.S. Lewis<br />
<br />
When we receive the forgiveness of God through Jesus Christ, <b>we are to leave behind the ways of the world and follow the Lord. </b><br />
<br />
<i>You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, <b>to put off your old self,</b> which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; <b>to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, </b>created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. </i>Ephesians 4:22-24 <br />
<br />
<i><b>Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things</b>….. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived…. Do not lie to each other, since you have <b>taken off your old self</b> with its practices and have <b>put on the new self. </b> </i>Colossians 3:2, 7-10<br />
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<br />
See our next blog about the big picture and being united.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-38213242433726426832018-02-12T15:51:00.001-06:002018-02-12T15:51:57.441-06:00How to Love Well<b>From a very young age, </b>we each want the people in our world <b>to love us.</b> We do things to get attention or to get approval. “If I do something nice for them, they will love me more.”<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOuZnMrMfcKJtS1gVxgJKxXK6g1uiclQTmDYySBywXWnnc54NgD2bj0Qpg3grXEHP6eBmMGKVwQLw19cMd8Ivw-Ma30M3bN8bjo49wbxHMgAN6NfTfiVFNMCiB3FlIBD2cOQ2qnPPY9Vg/s1600/Object+of+love.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1400" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOuZnMrMfcKJtS1gVxgJKxXK6g1uiclQTmDYySBywXWnnc54NgD2bj0Qpg3grXEHP6eBmMGKVwQLw19cMd8Ivw-Ma30M3bN8bjo49wbxHMgAN6NfTfiVFNMCiB3FlIBD2cOQ2qnPPY9Vg/s400/Object+of+love.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
The universality of love confirms the central role it plays in life. <b>Everyone wants to love and be loved.</b><br />
<br />
Unfortunately, the weight falls to the <b>“be loved”</b> part of the equation for most people. We are more concerned about <b>feeling loved</b> than we are about giving love. <br />
<br />
I wonder what would happen i<b>f we truly loved unconditionally</b> - no matter what - expecting nothing in return.<br />
<br />
It’s one thing to love someone, but to <b>express that love</b> in a way that the other person receives it - <b>that’s another level.</b><br />
<br />
Gary Chapman is well-known for his book,<a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1518470739&sr=8-2&dpID=51ItBwnbJ6L&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=detail" target="_blank"> <b><i>The Five Love Languages</i></b></a>. He proposes the idea that everyone has <b>one main way that we hear “the language of love.” </b>He breaks down the five languages into Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical touch. <br />
<br />
We think that we should go beyond those five. We believe that we should each be a <b>“student of our mate.”</b> I should study my spouse all of the time, so that I know how to express love to my spouse in a way that <b>he can recognize it and receive it.</b><br />
<br />
Even if <b>“Acts of Service”</b> is my spouse’s language, I need to know <b>which acts are most important</b>. I may think that I am being loving when I give him a gift, but he doesn’t care about it. He wants me to run some errands for him. Then, he knows that I love him!<br />
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<span style="color: #666666;"><i>Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.</i> C.S. Lewis</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #ec076f; font-size: large;">Rooted in Love ……</span></b><br />
<i><span style="color: #e36a9d;">He loved us not because we are lovable, but because He is love. </span></i><span style="color: #e36a9d;">C.S. Lewis</span><br />
<br />
<b>I am incapable </b>of loving unconditionally and without end. That’s right - <b>it’s impossible for me</b>. I can only love as God loves if He lives in me and through me. <b>I do not have the capacity to love like that <u>on my own.</u></b><br />
<br />
<i>And I pray that you, <b>being rooted and established in love</b>, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is <b>the love of Christ</b>. </i>Ephesians 3:17b-18<br />
<br />
<i><b>This is love:</b> not that we loved God, but that <b>He loved us</b> and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.</i> 1 John 4:10<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
<i>Dear friends, since <b>God so loved us</b>, we also ought to <b>love one another. </b></i><br />
1 John 4:11</div>
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<br /></div>
<b><span style="color: #ec076f; font-size: large;">Dissipation of Love ….</span></b><br />
<b><i>That hunk of burning love that existed before marriage often gradually dissipates after marriage.</i></b><br />
<br />
<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">What happens?</span></i></b><br />
<ul>
<li><b>I equate real love with that “hunk of burning love”.</b> When the passion diminishes (and it will!), I think that I have lost the love.</li>
<li><b>I think my presence in the marriage shows my love</b>, without doing anything else. Most people need some kind of connection to recognize the love of another. The connection could be touch, words, actions, or attention. </li>
<li><b>I think that the same things mean love to my spouse that mean love to me.</b> I may want my spouse to do something to show love, but my spouse wants me to give a hug. So, I keep doing things, but my mate doesn’t see the love without the affection.</li>
<li><b>When I don’t see love from my spouse, I quit giving love. </b>My love is predicated on what he does or doesn’t do. I am not really loving unconditionally. I give out of what I receive from the other person, rather than giving from what I receive from God. <b>My spouse isn’t capable of meeting my needs for love - only God can do that! </b></li>
<li><b>We don’t intentionally work to strengthen our marriage. </b>Neglect isn’t helpful. We don’t plan fun times together or set aside time to connect everyday. </li>
<li><b>We allow relationships or activities to take precedent over our marriage. </b>We may let our kids, parents, work, or hobbies to take more of our timed and/or attention.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<b><span style="color: #ec076f; font-size: large;">Love Motives ....</span></b></div>
<span style="color: #e36a9d;"><i>When an action doesn’t come naturally to you, it is a greater expression of love. </i> Gary Chapman </span><br />
<br />
<i>What is my motive for showing love to another person? </i><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Most of us don’t think about our motives. But usually I want something back from my friend or my spouse. <br />
<br />
I may want to feel loved by another; I want that feeling that I am worthy to be loved. <br />
<br />
I may want the other person to do something for me. <br />
<br />
Or maybe I feel like I have fulfilled my duty by showing love to another. <br />
<br />
Most of us want a deep, intimate connection with another person. We think we can achieve that by expressing love to them, so they will love me back, care about me, and connect with me. We confuse love’s actions with connection. <br />
<br />
What if my motive was to see joy in that person? <br />
<b><br /></b>
<span style="color: #e36a9d;"><i>Put the glory of Christ on display by pursuing your joy in the holy joy of your beloved. Love seeks its happiness in the happiness of the beloved. </i>John Piper</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-39547961601593100172017-10-19T11:32:00.000-05:002017-10-19T11:32:09.398-05:00Are you punishing? Why not forgive?<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;"><i>Unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. </i></span><br />
<br />
<b>Unforgiveness hurts me.</b><br />
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<b>I am trying to punish them for the hurt they caused me. </b><br />
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I may <b>withdraw</b> from them or not speak to them. </div>
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.... Or I might <b>say something hurtful</b> back or <b>do something to hurt</b> them. </div>
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.... Or I might <b>say bad things about them to others</b>. <br />
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Sometimes, they don’t even know that they have hurt me, but they may have hurt me intentionally. Regardless of the situation, <b>God does not appoint me to be the judge or jury. </b>I do not determine their guilt or punishment. <br />
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<b>When I hold onto the offense,</b> I am holding a grudge. <b>The poison of unforgiveness grows into bitterness and resentment.</b><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9HajANhUGxstWWLVY7d5waBmZtywV56wQTs7blVrqJAJ024f1koqbe1ZWVmj9S5-wQsYXd7_0OCGtmlJMcSWudFfGlpjcJnH5dlTXX59x21_b1-EndBP2QPn5uK8JdOJs8k-3rmdH7Lg/s1600/Man+with+ball+chain2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1128" data-original-width="1051" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9HajANhUGxstWWLVY7d5waBmZtywV56wQTs7blVrqJAJ024f1koqbe1ZWVmj9S5-wQsYXd7_0OCGtmlJMcSWudFfGlpjcJnH5dlTXX59x21_b1-EndBP2QPn5uK8JdOJs8k-3rmdH7Lg/s320/Man+with+ball+chain2.png" width="223" /></a><br />
<b>I am bound to the person who hurt me</b>.<br />
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I am worn out from dragging that ball and chain around. <b>That person has power over my emotions, especially my anger. </b><br />
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<b>The unforgiveness turns me into a bitter person </b>- not just bitter towards the person who hurt me but towards anyone around me. When I am full of bitterness and get bumped, <b>bitterness spills out on those around me.</b><br />
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<i>See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; <b>that no root of bitterness</b> springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.</i> Hebrews 12:15<br />
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<b>God is the one to punish the person</b> who hurt me. He cautions me against taking revenge.<br />
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<i><b>Do not take revenge,</b> my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord….. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. </i>Romans 12:19, 21<br />
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<span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;"><b>Why not forgive?</b></span><br />
<br />
<i><b>If God commands me to forgive and forgiveness benefits me, why would I not want to forgiv</b></i>e?<br />
<br />
1. <b>I want to punish the other person. </b><br />
God says that is His job, not mine. God doesn’t punish me; He forgives me.<br />
2. <b>They don’t deserve to be forgiven.</b><br />
I receive forgiveness because of God’s grace; I don’t deserve it. I can show grace to others.<br />
3. T<b>hey didn’t ask for forgiveness</b>.<br />
God tells us to forgive - period. It is not conditional. Often, that person doesn’t even know that there is an offense.<br />
4. <b>If I forgive, it sends a message that what they did was ok. </b><br />
No, I can forgive the person without agreeing with the behavior.<br />
5. <b>If I forgive, they may do it again. </b><br />
Yes, they might do it again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that I don’t confront sin or express how I feel.<br />
6. <b>If I forgive, I may get hurt again. </b><br />
Yes, I might get hurt again. Forgiveness doesn’t exclude putting parameters on the relationship. <br />
<br />
SEE <a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/do-you-want-to-change-your-future.html" target="_blank">our previous post on forgiveness</a>.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-13577368508356018162017-09-20T15:49:00.001-05:002017-10-19T11:33:40.870-05:00Do you want to change your future?<i><b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">When you FORGIVE,</span></b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">you don’t change the PAST,</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;">but you do change the FUTURE. </span></b></i><br />
<div>
Author Unknown<br />
<br />
Through the years of counseling, we have to come to the conclusions that: <br />
<ul>
<li>A relationship of any kind <b>won’t survive without forgiveness, </b></li>
<li><b>Forgiveness</b> (and unforgiveness) may be <b>the strongest human dynamic. </b></li>
</ul>
A key component in unconditional love is forgiveness. <b>You cannot love without forgiving.</b><br />
<br />
When we meet with <b>couples in crises, unforgiveness comes to the forefront.</b> Even Christian couples often fail to forgive. <br />
<br />
<b><i>What is forgiveness?</i></b><br />
<br />
In a practical sense, <b>to forgive means that I give up the right to punish another person for the hurt that person caused me and I won’t bring it up or dwell on it.</b><br />
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The offense will come to my mind but <b>I have a plan for what I am going to do to re-focus </b>when it does come to my mind. </div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—<b>think about such things</b>. </i>(Philippians 4:8)</div>
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<br />
<b>The more I dwell on an offense</b> (especially without talking about it) <b>the worse it gets.</b></div>
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<br />
We have many reasons for not wanting to forgive (see <a href="https://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2017/10/are-you-punishing-why-not-forgive.html" target="_blank">our next post</a>). What we don’t realize is that <b>unforgiveness hurts me </b>more than it hurts the other person. In fact, many times, they don’t even know that there is an offense.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj35TImL5x-FgQwoQcXcfuUo5QLzE0kG2xM4COnLaOx8pdXQDjuI64YGmWVljYSoq3a8HovyiRFBgvus5ZZE0H-ZiY13N_-X5LQLFieSqwjXpvNotoReY9mwOdnbZxUbK0pZ4T3_eBIQJ0/s1600/Leave+the+chain.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj35TImL5x-FgQwoQcXcfuUo5QLzE0kG2xM4COnLaOx8pdXQDjuI64YGmWVljYSoq3a8HovyiRFBgvus5ZZE0H-ZiY13N_-X5LQLFieSqwjXpvNotoReY9mwOdnbZxUbK0pZ4T3_eBIQJ0/s200/Leave+the+chain.png" width="200" /></a></div>
As long as <b>I don’t forgive, I am in bondage to that other person;</b> I am chained to the person and the offense. <br />
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<b>When I forgive,</b> I can throw off the chain and e<b>xperience peace and freedom inside.</b><br />
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<span style="color: #6aa84f;"><b>FORGIVENESS is not dependent on the other person; it’s between me and God.</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #45818e; font-size: large;"><b>MY FORGIVENESS</b></span></div>
<i>In Him we have redemption through his blood, <b>the forgiveness of sins</b>, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.</i> Ephesians 1:7 <br />
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<b>I can forgive </b>.... because He has forgiven me. <br />
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I<b> want to forgive</b> .... because He has forgiven me. <br />
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<b>I will forgive</b> .... in the same way He has forgiven me - unlimited. <br />
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When God forgives my sins, He says that <b>He will not punish me </b>for them because Christ took the punishment, and <b>He isn’t going to bring them up.</b> He chooses to remember them no more. <br />
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<b>He has removed our sins</b> as far from us as the east is from the west.<br />
Psalm 103:12Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-67278217892728555002017-08-31T17:19:00.000-05:002017-08-31T17:24:56.175-05:00What's the clash over money really about?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Money may be an inanimate object, but we attach great emotional significance to it. Money only becomes our friend if we as a couple learn to partner around the decisions related to money. One of the prerequisites for partnering in the matter of money is <b>an understanding of the meaning of money to each of us.</b></i><b> </b><br />
<div>
Dr. David Stoop and Dr. Jan Stoop<br />
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<b>When someone’s background was one of financial insecurity </b>- they never knew if there was enough money for life’s essentials, money wasn’t managed well - as an adult, they may be very frugal to make sure they have enough or they may repeat the mistakes of their childhood. <br />
<br />
<b>Money may represent security to some people.</b> Saving money gives them security. To others, <b>money represents prestige</b>. What they buy with their money spells success. Some derive <b>great pleasure in spending money</b> on things to make them happier - whether they have the money or not. They will use a credit card to buy it or go into debt to have these things.<br />
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<b>When these emotional ties to money clash, the marriage has conflict!</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #6aa84f;">When there is conflict over money, that conflict is only the symptom of other issues.</span></b> </div>
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Whatever the reason is for the conflict, <b>it cannot be resolved without healthy communication. </b><br />
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<b>We must sit down and talk calmly,</b> instead of arguing and yelling.<br />
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<b>The conversation can start by asking questions </b>(and listening to the answers) about the meaning of money. Some questions that we may want to ask:<br />
<i>- How did your family deal with money - their values, </i><br />
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<i> - who handled it, </i></div>
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<i> - what did they teach you, </i></div>
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<i> - what was painful, </i></div>
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<i> - what brought joy?</i><br />
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<b>Another reason for conflict is when one spouse tries to control the other with money</b>. It is critical that the couple agree on a spending plan. Regardless of who executes the plan, <b>agreement brings oneness and must include transparency in all financial matters.</b></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Guides ….</b></span></span></div>
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<b style="color: #38761d;"><i>Where do we start?</i></b></div>
<div>
1. <b>Acknowledge that God owns it all</b> and you are the manager of His resources.<br />
2. <b>Seek God’s will</b> on where He wants you to spend the money He has provided.<br />
3. <b>Agree to follow His will.</b><br />
4. <b>Find His will for your <u>lifestyle</u>. </b><br />
5. Make sure your <b>spending follows the lifestyle</b> that God has shown you for you and and your family.<br />
6. <b>Spend less than you make.</b><br />
7. <b>Keep track of where you spend money.</b><br />
8. <b>Agree on a spending plan.</b> Every dollar is designated before it is received.<br />
9. <b>Stick with the plan.</b> That means that you have to continue to keep track of how you are spending money.<br />
10. <b>Honor God by giving back to Him and His work</b> out of what He has given you.<br />
11. <b>Get out of debt and stay out. </b><br />
12. <b>Save for the future.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="color: #38761d;">Read more about MONEY AND MARRIAGE: HOW to CONCUR</span> <a href="http://livingwellinmarriage.blogspot.com/2017/07/money-concur-or-clash.html" target="_blank">here</a>.</b></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-25933029465594765822017-08-30T16:46:00.001-05:002017-08-30T16:48:38.405-05:00What you think you heard isn't what I thought I said...<span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: medium;"><i><b>Marriage is one long conversation, checkered with disputes.</b></i></span><br />
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Robert Louis Stevenson</div>
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<b><span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">UNDERSTANDING</span></b></div>
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<b>Every couple and every person struggles with communication. </b>It is one of the most challenging aspects of life. </div>
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Remember - <b>real communication cannot occur without understanding.</b></div>
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Somehow, we think that talking means that we have communication. <b>Without listening and understanding</b>, we have blah, ba blah, ba blah, ba blah ….</div>
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When we have a conversation, I have to focus on what you are saying t<b>o truly understand you</b>, more than trying to make myself understood. If I do that, I have to really listen and ask questions.</div>
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We have to really work at understanding because there are so<b> many opportunities for MISunderstanding. </b></div>
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<b>Communication flows -</b></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><b>What I think </b></li>
<li><b>What I say</b> (not always the same as what I was thinking) </li>
<li><b>What you hear</b> (not always the same as what I said) </li>
<li><b>What you think about what you heard </b></li>
<li><b>What you say about what you heard</b> (not always the same as your thoughts) </li>
<li><b>What I hear </b>(not always the same as what you said) ……. and on and on.</li>
</ol>
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<b>At any point in that flow</b>, if I don’t really say what I thought I said or you don’t hear it correctly, we have a problem!</div>
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;"><b>MISUNDERSTANDING</b></span><br />
<b><i><span style="color: #38761d;">Most quarrels amplify a misunderstanding. </span></i></b><br />
Andre Gide <br />
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Many conflicts in marriage or any relationship begin with a <b>misunderstanding.</b><br />
<br />
Several components go into communication, giving <b>many opportunities for confusion and/or hurt. </b><br />
<br />
<b>The words</b> - I use certain words to convey my thoughts. These words may have different meanings for me than they do for you. The most obvious differences are in different cultures. If you asked me to bring a torch to our campout, I would bring a stick with a flame on the end. But if someone who speaks British English asks me to bring a torch, I would bring a flashlight. That is an easy example. <br />
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But other words may bring different meanings to different people. If I say, “I don’t care,” some people take that literally while others think that I mean that I am ok with whatever the outcome is. <br />
<br />
Then, <b>my tone of voice and volume</b> add another dimension to the words. <b>If I speak in a loud tone, </b>you may interpret that I am mad. Someone else may think that I am excited. Or the reality could be that I am hard of hearing! <br />
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<b>Your filter</b> - depending on the lens through which you see life, you may assign a motive to what I have said. That motive could be totally different from my intent. You have put a spin on it that I never intended. If I don’t agree with you or don't want to do what you want to do, you may take that as rejection - that I don’t like/respect you or that I don’t want to be with you. <br />
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<b>Your response</b> - in the same way, I may take your response or lack of response as a negative message about me.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">To avoid misunderstandings: </span></b></div>
<b> 1. Assume good will.</b> Instead of taking a negative interpretation of what I say, assume that it was not meant to be negative.<br />
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<b>2. Ask for clarification. </b>“That sounded hurtful but I don’t think you were trying to hurt my feelings, please tell me more about what you mean.” </div>
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<br />
<b> 3. Ask questions.</b> If you don’t know what I am talking about or aren’t sure, ask follow-up questions to expand your understanding. Simply say, “I don’t know what you are talking about” or “I am not sure I know what you mean.” </div>
<div>
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<b>4. Paraphrase what you hear. </b>Paraphrase what you think I said to see if you really understand what I am trying to say. </div>
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<br />
<b> 5. Stay engaged. </b>Don’t stop listening when you think you know what I am going to say. Don’t shut down or attack.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #134f5c; font-size: large;">The Basis ....</span></b><br />
<div>
<i>But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them <b>understanding</b>.</i> Job 32:8 </div>
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<i>My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the meditation of my heart will give you <b>understanding. </b></i>Psalm 49:3 </div>
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<i>For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and <b>understanding. </b></i>Proverbs 2:6 </div>
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<i>By wisdom a house is built, and through<b> understanding</b> it is established. </i>Proverbs 24:3<br />
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<i>We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and <b>understanding </b>that the Spirit gives. </i>Colossians 1:9b<br />
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<i>We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us <b>understanding,</b> so that we may know Him who is true. </i>1 John 5:20</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7979503127571082479.post-72075933635380642872017-07-26T13:36:00.000-05:002017-07-26T13:36:01.589-05:00Money: Concur or Clash<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Money was designed to be our servant, never our master. It’s to be used to build our marriage and family and to honor God. Getting a proper perspective on money is the first step to solving financial conflicts. </i>Gary Chapman<br /><br /><b>Money can be a cord that bonds you together or a rope that strangles your marriage.</b> Your marriage can move towards <b>oneness</b> as you concur on money or you can clash as you battle about spending.<br /><br /><b>Solving financial conflicts starts by agreeing on what God wants for us together. </b>We concur on the financial goals and values. Our spending <b>FOLLOWS </b>our goals and values.<br /><br />It’s <b>not </b>about what I <b>WANT </b>or what you <b>WANT</b> - it’s about what <b>GOD WANTS </b>to provide for the needs of our family.<br /><br />I want to follow <b>His guidance for my spending</b>. When I shop, I don’t buy things impulsively to make myself happy (temporarily). We make a plan together for our spending. We show honor and respect to each other and God by sticking to His plan. <b>When we believe that God is good</b>, we know His plans are for our best. <br /><br />For most couples, once they sit down and <b>have accurate figures on the NEEDS of the family</b>, the plan becomes apparent. <b>This process can be emotional </b>when we realize that we can’t have everything that we <b>WANT. </b><div>
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But when <b>our real satisfaction and joy</b> in life becomes doing the will of God, <b>our “wants” change.</b> We want our lives to honor Him. We want our marriage to be a picture of Christ and the Church. I<b> want what He wants</b> more than I want a bigger house or a newer car or the latest gadget.</div>
<br /><span style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;"><b>The Truth about Spending ….</b></span><br /><br /><b>God owns it all. </b><br /><i>The earth is the LORD'S, and all it contains… </i><br />Psalm 24:1a<br /><br /><b>We are managers.</b><br /><i>‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. </i><br /> Matthew 25:21<br /><br /><b>We cannot serve God and be devoted to money simultaneously.</b><br /><i>No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. </i><div>
Matthew 6:24<br /><br /><b>Stay out of debt.</b><br /><i>The borrower is slave to the lender. </i></div>
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Proverbs 22:7b<br /><br /><b>Be content with what you have.</b><br /><i>But godliness with contentment is great gain.</i><br />1 Timothy 6:6</div>
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<i>I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. </i><br /> Philippians 4:11</div>
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See the next post about The Money Clash and some practical steps.</div>
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