1. Not having realistic expectations of marriage.
Most people expect marriage to make them happy.
When they experience unhappy days, they think something is wrong with their marriage.
When they experience unhappy days, they think something is wrong with their marriage.
SOLUTION As we grow up, we all formulate ideas about what will make us happy. If we marry, we usually think marriage will make us happy.
Happiness is based on circumstances that can change daily.
Instead of looking at the circumstances of our marriage as markers of happiness, we can find a lasting joy in our relationship with the Lord and, consequently, in seeing joy in our spouse.
The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. Psalm 19:8
2. Not having realistic expectations of their spouse.
It has been said that a husband thinks their wife will never change (especially in their physical beauty) and a wife thinks that they can change their husband (especially in their habits).
Consequently, both are disappointed.
It has been said that a husband thinks their wife will never change (especially in their physical beauty) and a wife thinks that they can change their husband (especially in their habits).
Consequently, both are disappointed.
SOLUTION Our expectations of our spouse are usually not voiced. When our spouse doesn’t meet expectations, we are disappointed or angry and our spouse doesn't know why.
Sometimes we base those expectations on what our father or mother was like or ideas we get from romantic movies or books.
Instead of holding our spouse to unrealistic expectations, we release the expectation and value our spouse as he or she is.
3. Not understanding what unconditional love is. Most people go into marriage thinking that nothing will change their love for their spouse. But many have never experienced unconditional love; they have not seen examples of it.
But when we feel hurt by our spouse, our love begins to dissolve. If allowed to continue, we don’t “feel loved” or “in love” anymore.
SOLUTION Unconditional love means I love that person no matter what they do.
It does not mean that I agree with what my spouse does or that I don’t confront my spouse. But I love that person as God loves me! Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34
As I receive God's love, I can give my spouse love out of the overflow of my heart - not expecting anything in return. We all want to be loved that way, but we also need to love that way.
Instead of forgiving, we seek to pay them back for the hurt by withdrawing or saying hurtful words back.
SOLUTION Forgiveness is ESSENTIAL to a lasting marriage.
Forgiveness means that I don’t pay back the person for the hurt they cause me, that I don’t keep bringing it up and that I don’t dwell on it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t confront the sin or express how we feel.
I can forgive as I receive and understand the depth of God's forgiveness. If God forgives the sin, who am I not to forgive the hurt? In the same way God has forgiven me, I can forgive others.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
5. Not showing respect. We often believe that a person has to earn our respect before we treat them with respect.
Often, we don’t really know what our spouse really thinks or feels about respect.
Often, we don’t really know what our spouse really thinks or feels about respect.
SOLUTION God calls us to respect all people, including our spouse. We show respect to them because they are a human being, not because of what they have done. We show respect also to our spouse because of our commitment to the marriage. Show proper respect to everyone. 1 Peter 2:17
Respect means different things to different people but includes the way we speak (not degrading or disdainful), the value we show to their opinions and ideas, and not trying to change them (show that we value who they are). Ask your spouse what you can do to show them respect.
6. Competitiveness. Competitiveness comes in many forms - from who is right and who is wrong to who earns the most money.
SOLUTION Competitiveness can be good in sports or debates. But it can also lead people to be aggressive or antagonistic if their decisions or opinions are questioned. If I am competitive in a relationship, I have a compulsion to be right, not considering that I could be wrong.
Being willing to admit that I am wrong is the first step to eliminating that tension from the marriage. Realizing that there is more than one right way to do things is extremely important in marriage. Giving your spouse the freedom to do things their way or to have a valid opposing opinion brings closeness.
SOLUTION Your spouse is not your enemy. Satan is the enemy who is seeking to fracture marriages.
Working together as cooperative teammates can defeat the enemy and preserve your marriage.
When there is a disagreement, we respond in a way that takes the emotions a notch higher. Then the other person does the same until the situation is out of control.
SOLUTION In a conflict, seek to bring the emotional level lower through calm and thoughtful responses, while listening to your mate. If the emotional level escalates, call a time-out to let the emotional level come down. They return to the subject calmly and thoughtfully, seeking to understand your mate's point of view.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
9. Not resolving conflicts. When conflict arises, some people withdraw or shut down and some get angry and attack. Then they abandon the issue and nothing is resolved.
If we can’t resolve the small issues, we will find it hard to resolve the large ones. Then, even the small issues can become large.
SOLUTION So many of us never learned conflict resolution in our home or in school. Resolving conflict includes talking about an issue calmly and respectfully. We look at what is important to each person in an issue and seek to find a solution that can be a win-win.
If unsuccessful, seek guidance from a godly third party.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
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