That question has an easy answer - being selfish!
Marriage, friendships, and family relationships are damaged with selfishness but thrive with selflessness.SELFLESS
Humility and selflessness are very similar. C. S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” The same can be said of being selfless - THINK of MYSELF LESS.
Instead of focusing on what I want, I focus on what those around me want or need. Instead of being preoccupied with how I feel, I am thinking of how others feel.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. (Philippians 2:3) One theologian described that phrase “value others above yourselves” as “consider others worthy of preferential treatment.”
Selfless does NOT mean:
- I don’t take care of myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
- I don’t protect myself.
- I don’t express my feelings.
- I don’t seek God on what I do or don’t do.
- I don’t spend time doing things that I enjoy
We are born selfish, not selfless. See below for more on selfishness and moving to selflessness.
PLEASURE
If Christ’s honor is our passion, the pursuit of pleasure in Him is our duty. John Piper
In the Bible, we find two kinds of pleasure.
If Christ’s honor is our passion, the pursuit of pleasure in Him is our duty. John Piper
In the Bible, we find two kinds of pleasure.
The pleasure of God - “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13) That pleasure is “eudokeó,” which means good will or pleasing.
Then we have the pleasures that humans often seek. “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” (James 4:3) This kind of pleasure is “hédoné,” which references “a strong desire, passion,” also translated as lust in some verses. We get the word “hedonism” from this Greek word.
There is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure . . . in Him. John Piper calls it Christian Hedonism.
He contends that God has created us to be pleasure seekers - but that pleasure is to be in enjoying God, worshipping Him.
Seeking pleasures of the flesh, our physical or sensual appetites, will result in emptiness and self-destruction - often at the expense of others.
Then we have the pleasures that humans often seek. “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” (James 4:3) This kind of pleasure is “hédoné,” which references “a strong desire, passion,” also translated as lust in some verses. We get the word “hedonism” from this Greek word.
There is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure . . . in Him. John Piper calls it Christian Hedonism.
He contends that God has created us to be pleasure seekers - but that pleasure is to be in enjoying God, worshipping Him.
Seeking pleasures of the flesh, our physical or sensual appetites, will result in emptiness and self-destruction - often at the expense of others.
SELFISH
Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The dictionary - concerned chiefly or only with oneself. Some of the synonyms include egoistical, greedy, narcissistic, self-indulgent - short-term satisfaction, regardless of long-term affects.
The saddest part of selfishness is that while I am seeking pleasure for my desires, I am walking a road of self-destruction.
Some signs of selfishness, especially in marriage:
- Believe it all is about you.
- Think you are better than your spouse.
- Only care about yourself and your happiness.
- Are controlling.
- Don’t like to give/share with spouse. (e.g.- giving praise.)
- Find it difficult to compromise.
- Blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong, especially in your marriage.
- Hide things you know you should be sharing with your spouse.
- Feel as if you are competing with your spouse.
Selfishness …
- Creates a lot of hurt and resentment.
- Shuts down the other person, causing stress and unhappiness.
- Thinks the worst of the other person, instead of the best.
- Is disrespectful.
- Escalates differences.
- Drives others away.
- Is very unappealing to others.
- Sabotages marriage and other relationships.
We are born selfish, but we don’t have to stay that way!
God calls us to deny the flesh and walk in the Spirit. When we are walking in the Spirit, the fleshly desires do not enslave us.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another. Galatians 5:16-17a
How do I change?
- First admit — to yourself/your spouse — that you're selfish.
- Focus on the best in the other person, not the things that you don’t like.
- Approach the relationship in humility (take responsibility for misunderstandings instead of blaming your spouse).
- See the long-term affects of your actions - will my actions strengthen the relationship or drive us farther apart?
- Find joy in making others happy instead of focusing on your own desires.
- Realize that everything you have is because of God’s grace, not because you deserve it.
- Be grateful.
