There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. Martin Luther
What’s your attitude - are you looking for a payback or a payoff?
In our relationships, especially in marriage, when we are hurt or offended, we often want to pay back the person who hurt us. We may not think of it in those brutal terms. We may think that we have to show them that they can’t treat us that way or we will remind them of the bad habits they have.
How could we get a “payoff” instead of adding more hurt?
The word “payoff” implies that an investment has been made. What kind of investments can we make in marriage that generate dividends?
1. Time together. Nothing can take the place of time together in a marriage relationship. We can spend time doing something fun or doing a chore together.
2. Focused attention. When together, the time multiplies in effectiveness if you focus on each other - talking and listening to the heart of the other person, even if you aren’t interested in the subject. Your spouse receives that kind of attention as a gift of high value.
3. Learning about marriage together - whether it is attending a class or doing a study together. This time investment speaks volumes to your spouse about the value you put on your relationship.
4. Learn a new communication skill. One person often thinks that he knows how to communicate with others but that they can’t communicate as a couple. Part of the responsibility of the one speaking is to speak in a way that others can understand him. We have to learn our spouse’s language to be able to communicate clearly and we have to learn how to listen with discernment.
5. Pray for your spouse. Pray for his/her true needs, not “God, change my husband/wife."
The payoff is a marriage that keeps getting better and better!
Rarely does one person or a couple have all the skills they need for a thriving marriage. Resources are available, see our classes that are available or a list of books or articles to read. Make an investment that will give dividends for a lifetime!
Why not a payback?
Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it foregoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury. Edwin Hubbel Chapin
When someone talks about paying a person back for something the person has done, he really means that he is seeking revenge.
Most of us would not want to admit to seeking revenge. But when we retaliate or try to punish someone for what they have done, we are taking revenge. Revenge is a strong and powerful action.
Equally as strong and powerful as revenge is the opposite - forgiveness. God says that He is the only one who is to take revenge, but that we are all to demonstrate forgiveness.
Revenge may make you feel better for a short time, but forgiveness will make you feel better for a lifetime. Unforgiveness is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. The person who witholds forgiveness is the one who is being eaten up inside. Often the other person doesn't even know that he has done anything to cause hurt.
Forgiveness may seem impossible, especially when there has been great hurt. The only way we have a capacity to forgive is because He has forgiven us.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13b
