Overcoming Incompatibility

Incompatibility is now the basis for many divorces. The real reason for most divorces is a lack of commitment, not a lack of compatibility.

As explained in our last post, compatibility isn’t based on temperament or personality. We are all incompatible!

Think about who a person should be most compatible. Really, we should be most compatible with a sibling of the same gender. We were raised with the same background, similar experiences, same values, similar genetic make-up, and the lack of gender differences.

But is that the person that you would be most compatible? Most people would say “No!”

If we are not consciously working on a harmonious relationship in marriage, we will always be incompatible!

Dave Willis, a Christian author and pastor, shares the story about a friend of theirs who got a divorce. Later, she went on a dating website and entered her information. The person that came up as being the most compatible was her ex-husband!

The harmony of marriage doesn’t come from having the same likes/dislikes or enjoying the same activities.

People who consider themselves incompatible often sight relationship conflicts.

Their incompatibility comes from a lack of communication, from not being able to resolve conflict, and/or not showing respect and value to the other person. Two people will always have disagreements and annoyances in marriage.

Compatibility in marriage is about how you manage those differences.

“The similarities or personality traits that attract people to each other may not hold up over time. You might be attracted to someone because you both love to ski, but then one of you blows out a knee. When people are divorcing, they'll say, "We have nothing in common." But they have kids, a house and 30 years of shared experience. Values about money and children run very deep and are important. The surface ones—antiques, sports, travel and gourmet coffee—don't matter.” William J. Doherty

Composing Harmony.....

How do we get to a place of harmony in marriage?
  • Respect your differences, instead of criticizing the other person. 
  • Value the other person’s opinion and input. 
  • Assume good will. Look for the best in each other, instead of assuming a negative attitude. 
  • Communicate in a healthy way. If you don’t know how, make it a priority to learn. 
  • Resolve conflicts that need to be resolved. Agree to disagree about the others. 
  • Recognize that there is more than one right way to do things. Different isn’t wrong. Make allowances for differing personal habits. 
  • Focus on trying to truly understand your spouse’s point of view, their thoughts, instead of trying to prove that you are right. 
  • Seek to put the needs and desires of your spouse before your own needs and desires. 
Conceit is incompatible with understanding.
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy