Are you grace-full and grace-filled?

Full of Grace ….

“Saving Grace”
“Amazing Grace”
“Fall from Grace”
“Say Grace”
“In Good Graces”
“By the Grace of God”

GRACE is a word that adorns many situations.

What does GRACE really mean?

Some dictionary definitions include:

• unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification 
• a virtue coming from God 
• sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance 
• disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency 
• a special favor 
• a charming or attractive trait or characteristic 

When we talk about a person who is “graceful” - we are usually talking more about their physical attributes than their character.

But what about people who are full of grace?

How do you describe that person?

A person who displays grace is the person that understands and recognizes God’s grace in their life. [see below]

Grace-full is a person who is not judgmental, who knows that we all need acceptance and understanding, and who extends love and kindness when we mess up. A grace-full person is a grace-filled person.

State of Grace ……
The ultimate test of our spirituality is the measure of our amazement at the grace of God. Martin Lloyd-Jones

Grace is getting what I don’t deserve. It is based on God’s mercy, not my merit.

Christians live every day by the grace of God. I am saved by grace. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

I grow in grace. 

… but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 2:18

God’s grace is enough for all that I encounter in life. 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed.

2 Corinthians 9:8

God gave me a spiritual gift by grace. 

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.

Romans 12:6

Good Grace ….

Evidence we really understand God’s grace will be seen in our desire and ability to show God’s grace. Randy Alcorn

Grace is a defining characteristic of Christians. It is the basis of our faith, our forgiveness. No other religion includes receiving something you don’t deserve.

Yet, many Christians find it hard to exhibit grace. The other person’s sin is so much greater, worse, more hurtful than my sin. I may compare the life of another to others but more often, I will compare it to an ideal, to what I think it should be.

We all want grace, but we cannot enjoy grace when there is an attitude of comparing. Jerry Bridges

We all want grace shown to us. But to show it to others, we must really understand the full extent of God’s grace. How little we deserve, but how much we are given. 

Some people don’t have a box to put that in. That can’t conceive of the magnitude of grace because they have never experienced it. I can bring another to a place of receiving God’s grace when I show them grace. 

Grace looks like forgiveness and acceptance. We have to experience the healing power of God’s grace to be grace-filled.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. 

Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)

God's grace takes various forms . . . grace is far more than "niceness." It's a powerful force, the force of forgiveness and reconciliation and transformation. . . For me, the goal in each case is to begin to see others through what I call "grace-healed eyes.”   Philip Yancey

Amazing Grace ….
The meaning of life. The wasted years of life. The poor choices of life. God answers the mess of life with one word: ‘grace.'
Max Lucado

Issac Newton wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace, as a testimony to his own experience of with God. God met him in a storm and his life changed. The hymn was a reflection of his spiritual growth and love for the Lord. That hymn has become one of the most recognized songs in America. It has brought healing, encouragement, and tears to many. It is estimated that the song is performed at least 10 million times annually.

As each of us looks at the many messes of our own lives and compare it to the never ending love of God, we too are amazed at His grace.

The grace of God is dangerous. It's lavish, excessive, outrageous, and scandalous. God's grace is ridiculously inclusive. Apparently God doesn't care who He loves. He is not very careful about the people He calls His friends or the people He calls His Church.  Mike Yaconelli

CLOSING the GAP

Turn towards - Turn away ….
What happens when a distance grows between us?

How did we get to this place?

Every marriage has times when we feel a distance between us. Those times can be momentary. When the distance goes on for extended times, a red flag is waving!

As they say in the U.K., “Mind the gap!”

One or both partners withdraw for many reasons.

For example:

• My spouse said something that hurt my feelings. 
• I decide to punish my spouse for their words or behavior. 
• I don’t feel safe, afraid of criticism or being ridiculed. 
• I don’t feel my spouse cares about me. 
• I don’t think my spouse values what I have to say, so I won’t try to talk to him/her. 
• I don’t think my spouse is interested in what I have to say. 
• My spouse shuts me down when I try to have a conversation. 

When any of these occur, I have to decide what to do …. my decision can close or widen the gap.

Am I going to turn towards my spouse or turn away?

It takes compassion, courage, forgiveness, and God’s love to turn towards your spouse to close the gap between you. [See more below]

God Talk ……
When love is felt,
the message is heard. Jim Vaus

Small cracks in communication create gaps in our relationships.

God gives us much guidance on healthy communication. These skills are crucial to every successful relationship - with family, friends, and in business. And they can be learned!

Approach the conversation in humility. Show that you value the other person. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  Philippians 2:3-4 

Listen to the heart of the other person. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  James 1:19 

Strengthen others with your word, rather than attacking. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29

Good Turn ….
Let’s close the gap!

Instead of turning away - here are some ideas to turn towards each other.

The little things count big time! In every day conversation, I have multiple chances to turn towards my spouse. It can be something as small as one saying, “It’s a beautiful day outside.” They haven’t asked for a response. But a response shows I am listening and I care. I can ignore it (worse than turning away). I can disagree (at least they know I am listening). Best of all, I can affirm what they say - turn towards.

When one person withdraws because of hurt feelings or anger, I can give them space but pursue reconciliation. I can ask if we can discuss it later, after we both have had time to process what happened.

It’s critical that the withdrawer agree to a later conversation. If they don’t, that usually indicates a desire to punish, not reconcile.

Another aspect of closing the gap is making sure that there is a sense of safety in their communication. That safety comes from a commitment not to ridicule, criticize, curse, name-call, or degrade each other.

Turning towards each other means, that when my partner speaks, I LISTEN. Either I stop what I am doing and look at my spouse, or I say, “I would really like to listen to what you are saying, can you hold that thought just a minute, while I finish up this ….?”

When I do listen, it’s important to listen to the heart, not just the words. If my spouse says, “I don’t want to go out tonight,” what is on their mind? I may be offended and assume that they don’t want to spend time with me. But if I listen with my heart, I ask a follow up questions. It may be that my spouse is concerned about finances or is too tired or is worried about something at work.

I listen with compassion, not defensiveness. I am willing to listen, not argue with their perspective. I can turn towards them, even in disagreement.

The Cycle ….
Regardless of the reason for one person to withdraw, a common cycle is for the other one to pursue when the first one withdraws.

That pursuit causes more withdrawal . . . . . and more pursuit.

Someone has to end the cycle! The pursuer can ask for the matter to be discussed at a time that is mutually agreeable.

Or the withdrawer can ask for some time to process what happened and agree on a time to re-visit the matter.

Avoid two destructive solutions -
1) continue the cycle or
2) both withdraw.

To continue the cycle will bring anger and resentment. To mutually withdraw brings a widening gap.

Emotional Intimacy

Our souls crave intimacy. Erwin McManus
The longing for someone to know my innermost thoughts or feelings and still love and accept me resides deep in the heart of every person.

Real emotional intimacy is when I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with another person AND that person can do that with me.

We do not share our deepest thoughts and feelings with everyone. We are willing to share some thoughts with acquaintances or strangers. We will share more thoughts and feelings with friends.

But we only share very personal thoughts and feelings with close friends, family, or a spouse.

To share on that very personal level, the relationship must have a high level of trust.

When I trust that person, I believe that what I have said won’t be shared with other people and it won’t be used against me. It means that my thoughts and feelings will be valued. I have the assurance that the person will still love and accept me, even if we disagree.

To come to that point of intimacy, I must be willing to look at myself honestly and come to an acceptance of who I am.

Divine intimacy ……
The deepest desire of our hearts is for union with God. From the first moment of our existence our most powerful yearning is to fulfill the original purpose of our lives – ‘to see Him more clearly, love Him more dearly, follow Him more nearly.’ We are made for God, and nothing less will satisfy. Brennan Manning

THERE IS ONLY ONE who knows all of my deepest thoughts and feelings, even those that never leave my mouth, that reside in my heart. That One is God himself. He knows all of what’s inside me but still loves me perfectly, unconditionally, and accepts me just as I am.

The Christian life is not about all the things we do for God- it's about being loved by Him, loving Him in return, and walking in intimate union and communion with Him. Nancy Leigh DeMoss

This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. John 17:3

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.   Philippians 3:8

Developing emotional intimacy ….
One of the first steps in developing intimacy in a relationship is acceptance - both for the other person and for myself.

Acceptance does not mean agreement. I can disagree with a person’s opinion or behavior and still accept who he is as a person.

Acceptance means that I will not reject you or try to change you.

Another step to intimacy is being vulnerable with that person. Being vulnerable means that I expose myself emotionally - my fears, my doubts, my shame.


Vulnerability is risky. I risk what others think of me. I risk acceptance and love. I am not vulnerable with everyone, only with those I trust. But we will never have that intimacy in our relationship without it.

That is why trust is another step to intimacy. I have to be trustworthy so that the other person can risk vulnerability. That person has to be certain that I won’t reject, ridicule, or betray him. Without trust, we cannot have emotional intimacy.

One time that many people become more emotionally intimate is when they find themselves in a stressful situation and work together during that experience. We see that in the military when they serve in the trenches together. When we go on mission trips, we forge closer bonds because we see each other when we are extremely tired, often stressed, and sometimes anxious.

Another way to form a close emotional connection is to share spiritually with each other. I can talk about what God has shown me and how He has changed me. I have to be open and honest about why I needed changing and how I open myself to Him.

Emotional intimacy brings joy into our lives!

What it is not ….

• Emotional intimacy does not require that I agree with you. 
• It does not mean that we like all of the same things or share the same experiences. 
• Emotional intimacy does not mean that I share every thought that I have. That is dangerous and destructive!
• Emotional intimacy is not critical or judgmental. Those attitudes are the opposite of acceptance.
• Emotional intimacy is not manipulative. I don’t use emotions to try to control the other person’s emotions, behavior, or response to me.
• Emotional intimacy is not exclusive. I can have an emotionally intimate relationship with more than one person. I can be emotionally intimate with my spouse, my friend (of the same gender), and my sibling. It can look different in each of those relationships. 
• Emotional intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. When a couple is sexually intimate, they often think that means they are emotionally intimate also. But it does not; sexual intimacy can mask a lack of emotional intimacy. They can enhance each other but they are not the same.

What is the biggest problem in marriages?

That question has an easy answer - being selfish!

Marriage, friendships, and family relationships are damaged with selfishness but thrive with selflessness.

SELFLESS

Selfless is simply the opposite of selfish.

Humility and selflessness are very similar. C. S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” The same can be said of being selfless - THINK of MYSELF LESS.

Instead of focusing on what I want, I focus on what those around me want or need. Instead of being preoccupied with how I feel, I am thinking of how others feel.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. (Philippians 2:3) One theologian described that phrase “value others above yourselves” as “consider others worthy of preferential treatment.”

Selfless does NOT mean:

• I don’t take care of myself - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
• I don’t protect myself. 
• I don’t express my feelings. 
• I don’t seek God on what I do or don’t do. 
• I don’t spend time doing things that I enjoy 

Agape love is selfless love . . . the love God want us to have isn’t just an emotion but a conscious act of the will - a deliberate decision on our part to put others ahead of ourselves. This is the kind of love God has for us.   Billy Graham

We are born selfish, not selfless. See below for more on selfishness and moving to selflessness.

PLEASURE
If Christ’s honor is our passion, the pursuit of pleasure in Him is our duty. John Piper

In the Bible, we find two kinds of pleasure. 

The pleasure of God - “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”  (Philippians 2:13) That pleasure is “eudokeó,” which means good will or pleasing.

Then we have the pleasures that humans often seek. “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” (James 4:3) This kind of pleasure is “hédoné,” which references “a strong desire, passion,” also translated as lust in some verses. We get the word “hedonism” from this Greek word.

There is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure . . . in Him. John Piper calls it Christian Hedonism.

He contends that God has created us to be pleasure seekers - but that pleasure is to be in enjoying God, worshipping Him.

Seeking pleasures of the flesh, our physical or sensual appetites, will result in emptiness and self-destruction - often at the expense of others.

SELFISH

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.  Martin Luther King, Jr.

The dictionary - concerned chiefly or only with oneself. Some of the synonyms include egoistical, greedy, narcissistic, self-indulgent - short-term satisfaction, regardless of long-term affects.

The saddest part of selfishness is that while I am seeking pleasure for my desires, I am walking a road of self-destruction.

Some signs of selfishness, especially in marriage:

• Believe it all is about you. 
• Think you are better than your spouse. 
• Only care about yourself and your happiness. 
• Are controlling. 
• Don’t like to give/share with spouse. (e.g.- giving praise.) 
• Find it difficult to compromise. 
• Blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong, especially in your marriage. 
• Hide things you know you should be sharing with your spouse. 
• Feel as if you are competing with your spouse. 

How does selfishness affect marriage (most relationships)?

Selfishness …

• Creates a lot of hurt and resentment. 
• Shuts down the other person, causing stress and unhappiness. 
• Thinks the worst of the other person, instead of the best. 
• Is disrespectful. 
• Escalates differences. 
• Drives others away. 
• Is very unappealing to others. 
• Sabotages marriage and other relationships.

TURN AROUND

We are born selfish, but we don’t have to stay that way! 

God calls us to deny the flesh and walk in the Spirit. When we are walking in the Spirit, the fleshly desires do not enslave us.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another. Galatians 5:16-17a

How do I change?

• First admit — to yourself/your spouse — that you're selfish. 
• Focus on the best in the other person, not the things that you don’t like. 
• Approach the relationship in humility (take responsibility for misunderstandings instead of blaming your spouse). 
• See the long-term affects of your actions - will my actions strengthen the relationship or drive us farther apart? 
• Find joy in making others happy instead of focusing on your own desires. 
• Realize that everything you have is because of God’s grace, not because you deserve it. 
• Be grateful.

How do I change my center?

The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less… True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself. In fact, I stop thinking about myself. The freedom of self-forgetfulness. Tim Keller

This post is part 2 about our center. See part 1 here.

God and Other Centered ….
When God and others become the center of my focus, I quit thinking of everything in terms of me - “What is this saying about me?” or “How is this going to affect me?”

This concept is the antithesis of our current culture. Life is not about me!

Besides looking through the lens of others, we can also see the situation with “God eyes.” We can see life as God sees it.  This is part of growing and maturing as a believer.

If I think that my spouse isn't meeting my needs, I can shift my focus from "I am unhappy" to "How can I do for my spouse?" 

If a friend or family member says something that hurts my feelings, I can re-focus from "Why are they trying to hurt me?" to "I don't think they want to intentionally hurt me. I wonder what they were really trying to say. I will ask them to clarify what they are saying."

If I missed that stage of development in my own life, I can be intentional about changing.

Ask yourself:

• Is there a truth here about me that God wants me to learn? 
• Am I open and teachable? 
• Is there something about God Himself that He wants me to learn? 
• How does He want me to interact with the person in this situation? 

The Focus of a Child ….

It’s true that children are born with an innocence about the world. But they are also born with an inclination to sin. We don’t have to teach children to be selfish. Part of our role as an adult is to teach them to move from “self” to others and God.

Children are very self-centered because everything is centered on them from birth. They can’t do anything for themselves. So, if they cry, someone runs to their aid. Every need is met by someone else. Someone feeds them. Someone keeps them warm. Someone makes sure that they are rested.

But a day comes when, they are no longer the center of the world - other people’s need are taken care of - sometimes before that of the baby. Children can be taught and trained to look at the needs of the people in their world - before their own.

We teach them to focus on what God wants in a relationship with them and what He wants for them in relationships with other people. This shift does not happen on its own! We have to teach them!

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. 

[Deuteronomy 6:5-7]

Where is your center?

No one likes to think of themselves as self-centered - but we are all self-centered at times.

Self-centered is more than we commonly think in regard to it. Self-centered means that whatever happens in my world is about ME.

As a child, if dad comes home for work and is in a bad mood, the child doesn’t think “Dad must have had a bad day.” The child thinks, “I wonder what I did to make Dad mad.”

In a self-centered world, all of the actions, attitudes, and speech in my world are a reflection on me. If a person is harsh with me, it must be my fault, something I did - not that they are being unkind.

This self-centered mindset enters into all relationships. In marriage, it means that I see whatever my spouse does is about me. If my spouse is irritable, I have done something OR he is purposefully being mean to me. I don't consider that he might have something happening to him that is causing the irritability.

We carry that over to relationships with friends or family members. If my parents brag on my sister's kids that means that they like them more than my kids. I don't consider that they brag on my kids to my sister or others. It might be that they like to brag on their grandkids.

SELF'S ORIGIN ……
When the Fall in Genesis 3 happened, “self” became dominant.

Man and woman became self-centered, self-conscious, selfish, and other self’s.

When Adam and Eve succumbed to Satan’s temptation in the garden, they chose to believe the lie of the enemy that they could be their own god. 

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 

[Genesis 3:6]

They decided to please themselves, rather than to please God. From that point on, every child is born self-centered. [see more on this on the next post]

God, through the power of His Word and His Spirit, seeks to move us away from the self life.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

[Philippians 2:3-4]

No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

[1 Corinthians 10:24]

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

[Galatians 2:20]

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.  

[Romans 12:10 ESV]

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.   

[John 15:13]

As believers we are either centered on man or centered on God. 

There is no alternative. 

Either God is the center of our universe and 

we have become rightly adjusted to Him, 

or we have made ourselves the center and 

are attempting to make all else orbit around us and for us. 

Author Unknown

See the next post about moving your center.

What is Love and Where did it come from?

Love is…a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. 

C.S. Lewis

How do you define love? 

How do you describe it?

Is it what you do or what you feel?

It is both! We often DO something because of what we FEEL.

The feeling may not be that “warm, fuzzy” feeling that we associate with love. The feeling may be compassion or guilt or duty.

True love - love that lasts - starts with loving God. The more I love Him, the more I come to know Him. The more deeply I know Him, I become overwhelmed with His love for me and others.

I have His heart and mind for other people. I have the compassion that He has. I have the patience that He has. I have the understanding that He has.

When I truly love, I love in the same way God loves.

Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34

I am to love others - regardless of what they do or don’t do.
It doesn’t mean that I agree with their behavior, condone, or support it.

But it does mean that I strive to put what is best for that person ahead of what I want for myself. God wants the very best for people. Because I love God, I want the best for them too!

Where did LOVE begin ……
LOVE’s origin is the heart of God.

We love because He first loved us.
1 John 4:19

The essence of God’s character is HOLY. He shows me His holiness through His LOVE.

LOVE is the big word that encompasses all that God does and feels towards me.

His LOVE includes His forgiveness, compassion, mercy, acceptance, protection, kindness, and much more. Because of His LOVE, He delights in me.

His LOVE for me depends on His character - not on my actions. He LOVES me because of who He is - not because of who I am. His LOVE is limitless and unrestricted.

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jeremiah 31:3

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 36:7

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

Labor of Love ….
We fall in love by chance,

we stay in love by choice.

Love is work.

Love is hard.

Love is demanding.

Love is satisfying.

Love is easy.

Love is rewarding.

When I got married, I committed to love my spouse and stay together - FOREVER.

I did not know the magnitude of that vow. I knew that to love unconditionally, that I needed to learn to love no matter how I felt.

I knew that I wanted to be loved - no matter what happened.

How do I show that kind of love?

Love has to be a choice I make every day. Love is an action that makes that choice visible.

As stated above, about God, love is the big word that includes so much.

If I love unconditionally and with no limit, I will ….

• forgive the hurts, not seek to pay it back 
• accept the person, not try to change him 
• have compassion, try to see life from his viewpoint 
• be kind, regardless of the other person’s demeanor 
• be patient, we are both imperfect 
• rejoice in the victories and grieve in the losses 
• seek the very best for that person 
• NOT GIVE UP! 

God doesn’t give up on me. God doesn’t give up on you. I am not giving up on either or us!

Love isn’t based on a feeling; it is based on a commitment, a choice. But the feeling of loving and being loved unconditionally cannot be surpassed.

That kind of love doesn’t come from what I get from another person but from what I give! [see more below]

The Overflow ….
When I receive, believe, and experience the love of God, I am full. Then I can overflow to others when I have received from Him.

When I learn to love as God loves, an indescribable joy settles in my heart and soul.

Love is a fruit of the Spirit.

Love is not the fruit of my self-effort.

I cannot just try harder to love. I love because He loves me.
If I want to do better at loving others, I can study God’s love for me until I am convinced of His love and understand how it looks. When I renew my mind with His love, it becomes part of my thinking in all of life.

A great place to start is to read the Psalms and mark every time the word “love” appears.

Psalm 13:5
But I trust in your unfailing love.

Psalm 17:7
Show me the wonders of your great love.

Psalm 23:6
Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.

Psalm 57:10
For great is your love.