Are you grace-full and grace-filled?

Full of Grace ….

“Saving Grace”
“Amazing Grace”
“Fall from Grace”
“Say Grace”
“In Good Graces”
“By the Grace of God”

GRACE is a word that adorns many situations.

What does GRACE really mean?

Some dictionary definitions include:

• unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification 
• a virtue coming from God 
• sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance 
• disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency 
• a special favor 
• a charming or attractive trait or characteristic 

When we talk about a person who is “graceful” - we are usually talking more about their physical attributes than their character.

But what about people who are full of grace?

How do you describe that person?

A person who displays grace is the person that understands and recognizes God’s grace in their life. [see below]

Grace-full is a person who is not judgmental, who knows that we all need acceptance and understanding, and who extends love and kindness when we mess up. A grace-full person is a grace-filled person.

State of Grace ……
The ultimate test of our spirituality is the measure of our amazement at the grace of God. Martin Lloyd-Jones

Grace is getting what I don’t deserve. It is based on God’s mercy, not my merit.

Christians live every day by the grace of God. I am saved by grace. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

I grow in grace. 

… but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 2:18

God’s grace is enough for all that I encounter in life. 

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed.

2 Corinthians 9:8

God gave me a spiritual gift by grace. 

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.

Romans 12:6

Good Grace ….

Evidence we really understand God’s grace will be seen in our desire and ability to show God’s grace. Randy Alcorn

Grace is a defining characteristic of Christians. It is the basis of our faith, our forgiveness. No other religion includes receiving something you don’t deserve.

Yet, many Christians find it hard to exhibit grace. The other person’s sin is so much greater, worse, more hurtful than my sin. I may compare the life of another to others but more often, I will compare it to an ideal, to what I think it should be.

We all want grace, but we cannot enjoy grace when there is an attitude of comparing. Jerry Bridges

We all want grace shown to us. But to show it to others, we must really understand the full extent of God’s grace. How little we deserve, but how much we are given. 

Some people don’t have a box to put that in. That can’t conceive of the magnitude of grace because they have never experienced it. I can bring another to a place of receiving God’s grace when I show them grace. 

Grace looks like forgiveness and acceptance. We have to experience the healing power of God’s grace to be grace-filled.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. 

Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)

God's grace takes various forms . . . grace is far more than "niceness." It's a powerful force, the force of forgiveness and reconciliation and transformation. . . For me, the goal in each case is to begin to see others through what I call "grace-healed eyes.”   Philip Yancey

Amazing Grace ….
The meaning of life. The wasted years of life. The poor choices of life. God answers the mess of life with one word: ‘grace.'
Max Lucado

Issac Newton wrote the hymn, Amazing Grace, as a testimony to his own experience of with God. God met him in a storm and his life changed. The hymn was a reflection of his spiritual growth and love for the Lord. That hymn has become one of the most recognized songs in America. It has brought healing, encouragement, and tears to many. It is estimated that the song is performed at least 10 million times annually.

As each of us looks at the many messes of our own lives and compare it to the never ending love of God, we too are amazed at His grace.

The grace of God is dangerous. It's lavish, excessive, outrageous, and scandalous. God's grace is ridiculously inclusive. Apparently God doesn't care who He loves. He is not very careful about the people He calls His friends or the people He calls His Church.  Mike Yaconelli

CLOSING the GAP

Turn towards - Turn away ….
What happens when a distance grows between us?

How did we get to this place?

Every marriage has times when we feel a distance between us. Those times can be momentary. When the distance goes on for extended times, a red flag is waving!

As they say in the U.K., “Mind the gap!”

One or both partners withdraw for many reasons.

For example:

• My spouse said something that hurt my feelings. 
• I decide to punish my spouse for their words or behavior. 
• I don’t feel safe, afraid of criticism or being ridiculed. 
• I don’t feel my spouse cares about me. 
• I don’t think my spouse values what I have to say, so I won’t try to talk to him/her. 
• I don’t think my spouse is interested in what I have to say. 
• My spouse shuts me down when I try to have a conversation. 

When any of these occur, I have to decide what to do …. my decision can close or widen the gap.

Am I going to turn towards my spouse or turn away?

It takes compassion, courage, forgiveness, and God’s love to turn towards your spouse to close the gap between you. [See more below]

God Talk ……
When love is felt,
the message is heard. Jim Vaus

Small cracks in communication create gaps in our relationships.

God gives us much guidance on healthy communication. These skills are crucial to every successful relationship - with family, friends, and in business. And they can be learned!

Approach the conversation in humility. Show that you value the other person. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.  Philippians 2:3-4 

Listen to the heart of the other person. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  James 1:19 

Strengthen others with your word, rather than attacking. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29

Good Turn ….
Let’s close the gap!

Instead of turning away - here are some ideas to turn towards each other.

The little things count big time! In every day conversation, I have multiple chances to turn towards my spouse. It can be something as small as one saying, “It’s a beautiful day outside.” They haven’t asked for a response. But a response shows I am listening and I care. I can ignore it (worse than turning away). I can disagree (at least they know I am listening). Best of all, I can affirm what they say - turn towards.

When one person withdraws because of hurt feelings or anger, I can give them space but pursue reconciliation. I can ask if we can discuss it later, after we both have had time to process what happened.

It’s critical that the withdrawer agree to a later conversation. If they don’t, that usually indicates a desire to punish, not reconcile.

Another aspect of closing the gap is making sure that there is a sense of safety in their communication. That safety comes from a commitment not to ridicule, criticize, curse, name-call, or degrade each other.

Turning towards each other means, that when my partner speaks, I LISTEN. Either I stop what I am doing and look at my spouse, or I say, “I would really like to listen to what you are saying, can you hold that thought just a minute, while I finish up this ….?”

When I do listen, it’s important to listen to the heart, not just the words. If my spouse says, “I don’t want to go out tonight,” what is on their mind? I may be offended and assume that they don’t want to spend time with me. But if I listen with my heart, I ask a follow up questions. It may be that my spouse is concerned about finances or is too tired or is worried about something at work.

I listen with compassion, not defensiveness. I am willing to listen, not argue with their perspective. I can turn towards them, even in disagreement.

The Cycle ….
Regardless of the reason for one person to withdraw, a common cycle is for the other one to pursue when the first one withdraws.

That pursuit causes more withdrawal . . . . . and more pursuit.

Someone has to end the cycle! The pursuer can ask for the matter to be discussed at a time that is mutually agreeable.

Or the withdrawer can ask for some time to process what happened and agree on a time to re-visit the matter.

Avoid two destructive solutions -
1) continue the cycle or
2) both withdraw.

To continue the cycle will bring anger and resentment. To mutually withdraw brings a widening gap.