1. The number one problem in marriage is selfishness.
My selfishness is directed towards getting my needs met in my spouse - to feel loved, valued, respected, secure. Since my spouse can't meet enough of my needs, I am unhappy.
SOLUTION The only lasting solution to the problem of selfishness is to seek God to meet the needs of my life. He is the only one who can satisfy me. Your spouse isn't capable of meeting all of your needs, they aren't intended to. When I allow God to meet my needs, I can give to my spouse without expecting anything in return – the essence of unconditional love. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)
2. Dissatisfaction in marriage.
Every couple has conflicts at some time. Without commitment, dissatisfaction can lead to separation and divorce.
If I think that other marriages are happier than mine, or that every husband/wife is better, I haven’t lived in their home or known the inner workings of what is happening between them. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse or marriage.
If I think that other marriages are happier than mine, or that every husband/wife is better, I haven’t lived in their home or known the inner workings of what is happening between them. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse or marriage.
SOLUTION I will not compare my wife, husband, or marriage to others. Other people are not the same as we are and do not have the same life circumstances that we do. We are committed to resolving our difference. There is no plan B. We will not say the word “divorce” in regards to our own marriage.
When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. (Numbers 30:2)
3. Crisis counseling
It is much easier to help a couple who have been married 5 years or less, regardless of the problem, than to help a couple married over 25 years.
The longer a couple is married without resolving problems, the more entrenched most couples are in bad habit patterns, wrong beliefs, or unhealthy interactions.
The longer a couple is married without resolving problems, the more entrenched most couples are in bad habit patterns, wrong beliefs, or unhealthy interactions.
SOLUTION When we hit a bump in the road of our marriage, We will seek guidance from a mature, objective, Godly person or couple. We won’t involve family or close friends. If my spouse won’t go with me, I will seek help for my part. Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. (Proverbs 1:5)
4. Being UNWILLING to look at my own life in an effort to improve my marriage.
I think my spouse is the problem - he/she needs to change.
SOLUTION I will be teachable to make progress in my marriage. I will seek help. I am willing to see what God wants to change in me. One person can change the climate of a marriage! I can’t change my spouse. The real issue is my response. I can only change my response to the person or the situation.
The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.
(Proverbs 12:15)
5. Our differences drive us apart.
A warning - “Before marriage opposites attract. After marriage, opposites attack.”
SOLUTION I will value and appreciate our differences. Those personality habits, abilities, and talents can become attributes that bring strength to the marriage. When I see differences as a negative, those differences drive us apart instead of bringing us closer. The key is to see my spouse’s strengths that complement and complete me.
All believers are part of the body of Christ. We are all different, but all are valuable. (1 Corinthians 12)
6. As soon as I begin to focus on what is missing in my spouse, conflict begins.
My human tendency is to compare myself with others who have more than I do, not with those who have less than I do. In all of life, ingratitude brings dissatisfaction and, eventually, anger and even depression.
SOLUTION I will focus on the positive attributes of my spouse. I will make a list of all of the her/his good points and read over it regularly. I will thank God for the good in my spouse and in my marriage.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
7. Couples in distress have not learned how to disagree agreeably. They only argue.
The arguments escalate and are never talked through or resolved, which causes more resentment in the relationship.
SOLUTION Disagreeing means that I listen respectfully to other’s opinions, whether I agree or not. But arguing is trying to prove that I am right and the other person is wrong. I can agree to disagree on points that are not essential. Realize that there are some issues that we will never agree on. If the emotions start to get more intense, we will take a time-out to cool off. Then we will come back together and talk respectfully to each other.
Show proper respect to everyone. 1 Peter 2:17
8. Not listening!
When I am formulating an answer while the other person is talking, I am not listening. Without listening, beneficial communication is not happening. Interrupting negates listening.
SOLUTION Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen to the heart, not just the words. Make listening a priority, even if the topic is not interesting to me. What others say is important to me because it is important to them. To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)
9. Couples quit having fun in their marriage.
We came together because we enjoyed being together. But the stresses of life have made our marriage miserable.
SOLUTION Take time to be together doing something enjoyable - not talk of stressful topics, no kids, only us. Weekly date nights can preserve the fun in marriage. A yearly getaway can revive the relationship. Remember to have fun!
10. Hiding things or working against each other can destroy a marriage.
We are not being open and honest with each other when we hide what we do with our money or who we talk to or text. We destroy trust in the relationship.
SOLUTION Be open and transparent with each other. Be willing to let your spouse see your phone , your computer, social media - who you talk to, text, or email. Do not hide income or expenditures. Have joint accounts or transparency with accounts. Learn to work as a team to solve problems.
Marriage is worth the work! Don’t give up!
