Marriage skeptics abound all around, but most Americans still desire marriage. How many are as enthralled with the marriage as with the wedding? Elizabeth Gilbert researched and wrote "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage."
In an interview, she presents a very interesting perspective on weddings. ”I myself have never been enchanted by the dream of the white wedding, and, heaven help us, the expectation that this exquisitely catered event should be ‘the happiest moment’ of one's life. But I did ask a number of my heartsick single female friends about this very question, and one of them gave me a truthful and illuminating answer: The fantasy of the wedding day is that it represents undeniable public and private truth that you have been chosen. For that one day, you are the most valuable creature in the world—a treasure, a princess, a prize. For many women, who have never felt chosen, desirable, or precious, this is an unshakable yearning. And I'm afraid many women do choose the wedding over the marriage. It seems a steep price to pay, but it comes from a place of deep, sad longing to be loved and to have it proven that you are of value. “
Weddings were a celebration of the beginning of a new life together, but also a time of commitment from the couple and a time of affirmation and support from those attending. However, with so many couples getting married after already living together for several months, or even years, why have a large, expensive, formal wedding? While living together, women do not get that sense of being treasured or chosen. They have eased into the relationship, gradually, not committed to a long-term, exclusive relationship.
Then, we have women who spend a lot of time and money preparing for that “princess for the day” experience. They often go into debt or send their parents into debt to put together a production to rival stardom. They wrestle over every detail of what the invitations look like and what food will be served but have not taken the time to learn the basics of communication with a husband.
Both types of women are proving to the world that they are loved on the day of that large wedding. Yet, soon after the wedding, they have lost total confidence that their husbands love them. They don’t know how to interpret the quietness or distraction of a husband who comes home after a stressful day of work.
As it has in so many ways, American culture has lost its way on where to place value. . . this time it is the importance of the wedding vs. the marriage. What would happen if American couples started investing more in the marriage than in the wedding?
Elizabeth Gilbert is also the best-selling author of "Eat, Pray, Love."
LIVING WELL offers Preparing for Marriage classes twice a year. The next class starts January 18, 2010. For more information, see http://www.livingwellokc.org/ .
