The Woman that Keeps Destroying Marriages

I am writing this to warn other marriages about this woman.

When we meet with couples who are having trouble in their marriages, we often hear about a woman that is destroying their marriage. This woman keeps showing up in marriage after marriage. Once the wife finds out about "the other woman," she is hurt and feels unlovable.

The woman's name is Porn.

Have you seen her? 
Have you hear of her? 
Has she visited your home?

I remember listening to Dr. James Dobson on the radio 30 years ago. He was serving on the president’s commission about porn at that time and began warning us about how it destroys families. Pornography was predominantly in the form of magazines and videos at that time.

We thought it was bad at that time; we had no idea what was ahead! The floodgates opened with no way to close them.

We got involved with marriage counseling and marriage ministry over 20 years ago. The porn problem was there but not pervasive. The internet has changed everything about porn and marriage counseling!

You will find it hard to believe some of the statistics that we are sharing.

The problem transcends every age group and socio-economic level, but it is more pronounced among younger adults.

“A recent survey of 29,000 people at North American universities shows 51% of men and 16% of women spend up to five hours per week online for sexual purposes.”

Some people believe that pornography doesn't affect others, that it is private, involving just the person who peruses it. Another common belief is that “I don’t look at pornography, so it doesn't affect me.” Both of those beliefs are absolutely wrong. Pornography profoundly affects our culture and destroys families.

Ask any wife, who has discovered that her husband is involved in pornography, what is feels like. She will tell you that she feels betrayed, just as if he had been unfaithful. She feels rejected, unloved, and unattractive.

The presence of pornography tears apart marriages.

Pornography is also the gateway to human sex trafficking, affecting all. 

Pornography warps your mind.
To make pornography, there has to be a subject to photograph or video. Those people are often sexually abused and/or physically abused and given drugs.

Would you be okay with your daughter being the subject of pornography?

When you think of who the subjects are, remember “she’s somebody’s daughter.”

Whatever happened to having fun in marriage?

"Fun is good." Dr. Seuss

Remember the times when you were dating, before you got married? 

You had fun together! In fact, most people get married because they have fun together. You entertain each other. You laugh; you talk.

Ed and I have been married 40 years now. That's a long time! But I still remember the fun times we had together, dating in Baton Rouge while we were going to LSU. We went to football games. He showed me the culture of Louisiana - the plantations, the marsh, bayous, and levees. We ate crawfish, shrimp, and po'boys. I learned about duck hunting and how to lure crabs into a net to get enough to boil.

We continued having fun after we got married and moved to the mountains of Colorado! Who couldn't have fun there? But eventually, we moved back to the south, get involved in our jobs, started having kids, and began to worry about money.

Hmmmm...... what happened to the fun? What happened to times for just the two of us to relax and enjoy being together?

We realized that we had quit making time for ourselves as a couple - career and kids had taken center stage. We decided to reclaim our time together!

Dr. Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university's Center for Marital and Family Studies, after researching hundreds of couples, finds "The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant." He believes that it is one of the most important factors for a great marriage.

We started having dates. The kids had more fun with the babysitter anyway. We became intentional about our time together. We spent time talking every day, without the kids interrupting.

We started taking off a few days every year to go somewhere by ourselves, even if it was close by.

The kids grew up and left home. We are growing older. We are nearing the end of our careers. But we still have fun together! 

We don't have to plan dates to be alone now; we are together alone a lot. But we plan for special outings that we want to experience together. We still take off by ourselves for a few days (or more!) every year. We celebrate our marriage milestones! 

40 Fun years!

If the marriage ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Scott Gardner