Contempt, disgust, hostility, resentment, and disrespect
A thriving friendship and animosity (contempt) cannot exist at the same time. Lack of attention to the friendship factor of marriage often grows into animosity. [see our last post of friendship in marriage]
After years of marriage research, John Gottman has found that contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.
When we communicate contempt, we exhibit disrespect and disgust. We may use hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolling, or sneering to convey our disgust for the other person.
Contempt leads to more conflict, not towards reconciliation. It’s impossible to resolve anything when one person is sending the message that the other person is disgusting to them.
How does that happen?
One of two factors loom largely in the mind of a person where animosity and contempt breed.
1. If I struggle with my own sense of self-worth, then I will receive remarks made by my spouse as criticism. Since I already doubt my own value, questions or comments are heard as attacks. I see any communication that is not overtly positive as being negative.
2. The other factor can be an intolerance of differences in another person. I view my abilities and strengths as exceeding those of my spouse. Or I can’t fathom how that trait can exist in another person.
As a married couple, we are certain to have many differences in our personalities. Those differences can become wedges between us or magnets drawing us closer.
As I focus on the distasteful habits of the other person, I build more disgust and contempt for that person.
A thriving friendship and animosity (contempt) cannot exist at the same time. Lack of attention to the friendship factor of marriage often grows into animosity. [see our last post of friendship in marriage]
After years of marriage research, John Gottman has found that contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.
When we communicate contempt, we exhibit disrespect and disgust. We may use hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, eye-rolling, or sneering to convey our disgust for the other person.
Contempt leads to more conflict, not towards reconciliation. It’s impossible to resolve anything when one person is sending the message that the other person is disgusting to them.
How does that happen?
One of two factors loom largely in the mind of a person where animosity and contempt breed.
1. If I struggle with my own sense of self-worth, then I will receive remarks made by my spouse as criticism. Since I already doubt my own value, questions or comments are heard as attacks. I see any communication that is not overtly positive as being negative.
2. The other factor can be an intolerance of differences in another person. I view my abilities and strengths as exceeding those of my spouse. Or I can’t fathom how that trait can exist in another person.
As I focus on the distasteful habits of the other person, I build more disgust and contempt for that person.
BUT we don’t have to live in that way.
Antidotes ….
The antidotes to animosity are available to all!
Being willing to take a small step in the direction of my spouse can douse the flame of contempt and nurture friendship in our marriage.
1. If the resentment has grown from hearing critical words, I can step back and evaluate what I hear.
- Are they the words that are actually spoken or is my perception of the motive behind the words?
- Am I wanting something from my spouse that I am not saying but am expecting?
- Am I expecting my spouse to give me a sense of self-worth and value that only God can instill in me?
I can assume good will when I hear something that sounds hurtful. Instead of assuming a negative connotation, I can ask for clarification. Friends believe the best in each other. In lieu of affirmation, I can forgive my spouse for the hurt.
Friendship flourishes at the fountain of forgiveness.
William Arthur Ward
2. In our differences, I can choose to focus on the habits of my spouse that I don’t like or I can accept them and focus on the positive aspects. The choice is up to me. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (Romans 15:7)
Animosity does not have to be the norm in marriage. A better way....
- Building a culture of fondness and appreciation is an antidote to animosity.
- Looking at my spouse with caring, compassion, and admiration leads to fondness.
- Offering thanks and gratitude demonstrates appreciation.
