Oneness in Marriage

We are too different. 

We are living separate lives.

We don’t have anything in common. 

We have heard these words many times in our office. Sometimes, they are reasons that people divorce. Often, couples in a crisis speak them.

• Is it a problem when a husband and wife are very different in their personalities? 
• Do couples have to have a lot in common to stay married? 
• Do couples need to do everything together?

Very good questions. 

The answers are no, no, and no. 

We had not been married very long when we realized how different we are. To name a few:

• Ed likes to stay home and is content with just the company of Donna. Donna likes to be around people and is one of the last ones out the door of the church on a Sunday morning. 
• Ed is very neat. Donna is a pilot - she piles is here and there. 
• Donna is an optimist. Ed is a “realist” (his name for a pessimist). 

Have these differences caused problems in our marriage? YES!

We came to realize that God puts people who are different. Our differences can fit together; they do not have to isolate us from each other. 

Our differences become the gaps between our fingers that fit together. 

One strength fits into another’s weaknesses. We value our differences rather than vilifying them.

The quality that brings us together is a spiritual oneness. 

Our spirits bind us together. Oneness is not based on a feeling.

From the moment we exchanged vows, God made us one. This is what marriage is; the very word means a joining or uniting. And therein lies a way in which marriage reflects our relationship with God. 

The unity of love cannot be forged anew, for it was never forged in the first place. It was given. Suddenly it was there, and it hasn't gone anywhere.

What keeps a marriage healthy is that everything comes down to a recognition of this truth: 

   A husband and wife are one, as Christ and the Spirit are one.

Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage

THE QUALITIES of ONENESS

It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God.
(C.S. Lewis’ description of love in marriage)

These words also describe a oneness in marriage - the grace of marriage that we receive from God and give to each other. “One flesh” in marriage is “two lives lived together.”

Oneness is not sameness. 

We are different, but we share our lives together. 

We have the same values and goals. 

We are headed in the same direction together.

READ more about our story and isolation in the next posts.