Robert Louis Stevenson
UNDERSTANDING
Every couple and every person struggles with communication. It is one of the most challenging aspects of life.
Remember - real communication cannot occur without understanding.
Somehow, we think that talking means that we have communication. Without listening and understanding, we have blah, ba blah, ba blah, ba blah ….
When we have a conversation, I have to focus on what you are saying to truly understand you, more than trying to make myself understood. If I do that, I have to really listen and ask questions.
We have to really work at understanding because there are so many opportunities for MISunderstanding.
Communication flows -
- What I think
- What I say (not always the same as what I was thinking)
- What you hear (not always the same as what I said)
- What you think about what you heard
- What you say about what you heard (not always the same as your thoughts)
- What I hear (not always the same as what you said) ……. and on and on.
At any point in that flow, if I don’t really say what I thought I said or you don’t hear it correctly, we have a problem!
Most quarrels amplify a misunderstanding.
Andre Gide
Many conflicts in marriage or any relationship begin with a misunderstanding.
Several components go into communication, giving many opportunities for confusion and/or hurt.
The words - I use certain words to convey my thoughts. These words may have different meanings for me than they do for you. The most obvious differences are in different cultures. If you asked me to bring a torch to our campout, I would bring a stick with a flame on the end. But if someone who speaks British English asks me to bring a torch, I would bring a flashlight. That is an easy example.
But other words may bring different meanings to different people. If I say, “I don’t care,” some people take that literally while others think that I mean that I am ok with whatever the outcome is.
Then, my tone of voice and volume add another dimension to the words. If I speak in a loud tone, you may interpret that I am mad. Someone else may think that I am excited. Or the reality could be that I am hard of hearing!
Your filter - depending on the lens through which you see life, you may assign a motive to what I have said. That motive could be totally different from my intent. You have put a spin on it that I never intended. If I don’t agree with you or don't want to do what you want to do, you may take that as rejection - that I don’t like/respect you or that I don’t want to be with you.
Your response - in the same way, I may take your response or lack of response as a negative message about me.
To avoid misunderstandings:
1. Assume good will. Instead of taking a negative interpretation of what I say, assume that it was not meant to be negative.2. Ask for clarification. “That sounded hurtful but I don’t think you were trying to hurt my feelings, please tell me more about what you mean.”
3. Ask questions. If you don’t know what I am talking about or aren’t sure, ask follow-up questions to expand your understanding. Simply say, “I don’t know what you are talking about” or “I am not sure I know what you mean.”
4. Paraphrase what you hear. Paraphrase what you think I said to see if you really understand what I am trying to say.
5. Stay engaged. Don’t stop listening when you think you know what I am going to say. Don’t shut down or attack.
But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding. Job 32:8
My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the meditation of my heart will give you understanding. Psalm 49:3
For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 2:6
By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established. Proverbs 24:3
We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives. Colossians 1:9b
We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true. 1 John 5:20
We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives. Colossians 1:9b
We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true. 1 John 5:20
