Observations on Marriage, part 2

We have been involved in strengthening marriages and crisis marriage ministry for 35+ years. Through the years, some common factors (not all inclusive) stand out to us. [see part 1 here]

1. Not having realistic expectations of marriage. 

Most people expect marriage to make them happy.

When they experience unhappy days, they think something is wrong with their marriage. 

SOLUTION As we grow up, we all formulate ideas about what will make us happy. If we marry, we usually think marriage will make us happy. 

Happiness is based on circumstances that can change daily. 

Instead of looking at the circumstances of our marriage as markers of happiness, we can find a lasting joy in our relationship with the Lord and, consequently, in seeing joy in our spouse.

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. Psalm 19:8

2. Not having realistic expectations of their spouse.

It has been said that a husband thinks their wife will never change (especially in their physical beauty) and a wife thinks that they can change their husband (especially in their habits).

Consequently, both are disappointed. 

SOLUTION Our expectations of our spouse are usually not voiced. When our spouse doesn’t meet expectations, we are disappointed or angry and our spouse doesn't know why.

 Sometimes we base those expectations on what our father or mother was like or ideas we get from romantic movies or books. 

Instead of holding our spouse to unrealistic expectations, we release the expectation and value our spouse as he or she is.

 
3. Not understanding what unconditional love is. Most people go into marriage thinking that nothing will change their love for their spouse. But many have never experienced unconditional love; they have not seen examples of it.

But when we feel hurt by our spouse, our love begins to dissolve. If allowed to continue, we don’t “feel loved” or “in love” anymore. 

SOLUTION Unconditional love means I love that person no matter what they do. 



It does not mean that I agree with what my spouse does or that I don’t confront my spouse. But I love that person as God loves me! Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34

As I receive God's love, I can give my spouse love out of the overflow of my heart - not expecting anything in return. We all want to be loved that way, but we also need to love that way.

4. Lack of forgiveness for the hurts. We cannot truly love unconditionally without forgiving.

Instead of forgiving, we seek to pay them back for the hurt by withdrawing or saying hurtful words back. 

SOLUTION Forgiveness is ESSENTIAL to a lasting marriage. 

Forgiveness means that I don’t pay back the person for the hurt they cause me, that I don’t keep bringing it up and that I don’t dwell on it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t confront the sin or express how we feel. 

I can forgive as I receive and understand the depth of God's forgiveness. If God forgives the sin, who am I not to forgive the hurt? In the same way God has forgiven me, I can forgive others. 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

5. Not showing respect. We often believe that a person has to earn our respect before we treat them with respect.

Often, we don’t really know what our spouse really thinks or feels about respect. 

SOLUTION God calls us to respect all people, including our spouse. We  show respect to them because they are a human being, not because of what they have done. We show respect also to our spouse because of our commitment to the marriage. Show proper respect to everyone. 1 Peter 2:17



Respect means different things to different people but includes the way we speak (not degrading or disdainful), the value we show to their opinions and ideas, and not trying to change them (show that we value who they are). Ask your spouse what you can do to show them respect.

6. Competitiveness. Competitiveness comes in many forms - from who is right and who is wrong to who earns the most money. 

SOLUTION Competitiveness can be good in sports or debates. But it can also lead people to be aggressive or antagonistic if their decisions or opinions are questioned. If I am competitive in a relationship, I have a compulsion to be right, not considering that I could be wrong. 



Being willing to admit that I am wrong is the first step to eliminating that tension from the marriage. Realizing that there is more than one right way to do things is extremely important in marriage. Giving your spouse the freedom to do things their way or to have a valid opposing opinion brings closeness.

7. Not working as a team. When we don’t agree on how to spend money, discipline the children, etc., we work against the other or go behind their back. 

SOLUTION Your spouse is not your enemy. Satan is the enemy who is seeking to fracture marriages. 

Working together as cooperative teammates can defeat the enemy and preserve your marriage.

8. Escalating the tone of a disagreement.

When there is a disagreement, we respond in a way that takes the emotions a notch higher. Then the other person does the same until the situation is out of control. 

SOLUTION In a conflict, seek to bring the emotional level lower through calm and thoughtful responses, while listening to your mate. If the emotional level escalates, call a time-out to let the emotional level come down. They return to the subject calmly and thoughtfully, seeking to understand your mate's point of view.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

9. Not resolving conflicts. When conflict arises, some people withdraw or shut down and some get angry and attack. Then they abandon the issue and nothing is resolved.

If we can’t resolve the small issues, we will find it hard to resolve the large ones. Then, even the small issues can become large. 

SOLUTION So many of us never learned conflict resolution in our home or in school. Resolving conflict includes talking about an issue calmly and respectfully. We look at what is important to each person in an issue and seek to find a solution that can be a win-win. 

If unsuccessful, seek guidance from a godly third party.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

For a downloadable version, click here.

Observations about Marriage - the Problems & Solutions

We have been involved in strengthening marriages and crisis marriage ministry for 35+ years.  Through the years, some common factors (not all inclusive) stand out to us. [printable version]

1. The number one problem in marriage is selfishness. 

    My selfishness is directed towards getting my needs met in my spouse - to feel loved, valued, respected, secure. Since my spouse can't meet enough of my needs, I am unhappy.

      SOLUTION The only lasting solution to the problem of selfishness is to seek God to meet the needs of my life. He is the only one who can satisfy me. Your spouse isn't capable of meeting all of your needs, they aren't intended to. When I allow God to meet my needs, I can give to my spouse without expecting anything in return – the essence of unconditional love. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)

2. Dissatisfaction in marriage.

    Every couple has conflicts at some time. Without commitment, dissatisfaction can lead to separation and divorce.

    If I think that other marriages are happier than mine, or that every husband/wife is better, I haven’t lived in their home or known the inner workings of what is happening between them. There is no such thing as a perfect spouse or marriage. 

     SOLUTION I will not compare my wife, husband, or marriage to others. Other people are not the same as we are and do not have the same life circumstances that we do. We are committed to resolving our difference. There is no plan B. We will not say the word “divorce” in regards to our own marriage.

When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said. (Numbers 30:2)

3. Crisis counseling

    It is much easier to help a couple who have been married 5 years or less, regardless of the problem, than to help a couple married over 25 years.

    The longer a couple is married without resolving problems, the more entrenched most couples are in bad habit patterns, wrong beliefs, or unhealthy interactions. 

     SOLUTION When we hit a bump in the road of our marriage, We will seek guidance from a mature, objective, Godly person or couple. We won’t involve family or close friends. If my spouse won’t go with me, I will seek help for my part.  Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. (Proverbs 1:5)

4. Being UNWILLING to look at my own life in an effort to improve my marriage.

I think my spouse is the problem - he/she needs to change. 

     SOLUTION I will be teachable to make progress in my marriage. I will seek help. I am willing to see what God wants to change in me. One person can change the climate of a marriage! I  can’t change my spouse. The real issue is my response. I can only change my response to the person or the situation.
 The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice. 
(Proverbs 12:15)

5. Our differences drive us apart.

A warning - “Before marriage opposites attract. After marriage, opposites attack.” 

     SOLUTION I will value and appreciate our differences. Those personality habits, abilities, and talents can become attributes that bring strength to the marriage. When I see differences as a negative, those differences drive us apart instead of bringing us closer. The key is to see my spouse’s strengths that complement and complete me. 

All believers are part of the body of Christ. We are all different, but all are valuable. (1 Corinthians 12)

  
6. As soon as I begin to focus on what is missing in my spouse, conflict begins.

My human tendency is to compare myself with others who have more than I do, not with those who have less than I do. In all of life, ingratitude brings dissatisfaction and, eventually, anger and even depression. 

     SOLUTION I will focus on the positive attributes of my spouse. I will make a list of all of the her/his good points and read over it regularly. I will thank God for the good in my spouse and in my marriage. 

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

7. Couples in distress have not learned how to disagree agreeably. They only argue. 

The arguments escalate and are never talked through or resolved, which causes more resentment in the relationship. 

     SOLUTION Disagreeing means that I listen respectfully to other’s opinions, whether I agree or not. But arguing is trying to prove that I am right and the other person is wrong. I can agree to disagree on points that are not essential. Realize that there are some issues that we will never agree on. If the emotions start to get more intense, we will take a time-out to cool off. Then we will come back together and talk respectfully to each other. 

Show proper respect to everyone. 1 Peter 2:17

8. Not listening! 

When I am formulating an answer while the other person is talking, I am not listening. Without listening, beneficial communication is not happening. Interrupting negates listening. 

     SOLUTION Listen! Listen! Listen! Listen to the heart, not just the words. Make listening a priority, even if the topic is not interesting to me. What others say is important to me because it is important to them. To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

9. Couples quit having fun in their marriage. 

We came together because we enjoyed being together. But the stresses of life have made our marriage miserable. 

     SOLUTION Take time to be together doing something enjoyable - not talk of stressful topics, no kids, only us. Weekly date nights can preserve the fun in marriage. A yearly getaway can revive the relationship. Remember to have fun!

10. Hiding things or working against each other can destroy a marriage.

We are not being open and honest with each other when we hide what we do with our money or who we talk to or text. We destroy trust in the relationship. 

     SOLUTION Be open and transparent with each other. Be willing to let your spouse see your phone , your computer, social media - who you talk to, text, or email. Do not hide income or expenditures. Have joint accounts or transparency with accounts. Learn to work as a team to solve problems. 

Marriage is worth the work! Don’t give up!

Encouraging Marriages*

*Not intended to be all inclusive. [printable version of this page]

WHERE TO START

Many of us believe that if a couple is attending church and loves God that they will have a successful marriage.

How many of us know couples that fit that criteria but are unhappy in their marriage, even miserable? Or divorce?

The couple often leaves their church as their marriage disintegrates. They don’t want to have to talk about it or explain it.

Maybe it’s a friend or colleague and we see that there is a lot of tension in their marriage.

What do we do?

We start with our own marriage. We don’t need to have a perfect marriage (who does?) to encourage another couple.

• We are committed to working out difficulties and strengthening our own marriage. We learn what it takes and what works/doesn’t work. 
• We are transparent about our struggles. Doesn’t mean that we air all the details, but we let our friends, church circle, colleagues know that we have had struggles but have overcome them. People need hope! Couples often think that others have it all together and wouldn’t understand. 
• We are willing to walk alongside others in kindness and compassion. It may mean taking the initiative to inquire about their life and their marriage.

TRUST

Others will be open to what we say if they trust us. They trust that:

1. We believe what we say, because they have seen us demonstrate it. See above.
2. We will share truth - not what social media or the latest TV guru says.
3. We care about them. We want the best for them and we aren’t going to abandon them because they are struggling.
4. We will keep their words confidential.
5. We will not judge, condemn or attack them. We won’t think less of them because of their problems.

    Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. Romans 15:7

WHAT CAN THE CHURCH DO?

Does the Church have a role in helping marriages in distress?

YES! The Bible addresses marriage in several places and compares it to Christ and the Church. Marriage is important to God. So, it is important to the Church.

Traditionally, church was one of the places where couples sought help when their marriage was struggling. That has changed some, but is still important.

Helping marriages can be messy. Being preemptive can reduce the occurrences of troubled marriages.

PREEMPTIVE steps can include:

• Premarital counseling/classes, with a premarital assessment. 
• Marriage classes offered regularly during the weekly small group time (at least once a year), or during a separate discipleship time (with childcare). 
• Making marriage resources easily available - can include books, booklets, online and in printed form. 
• During bible teaching times (from the pulpit or in classes), apply appropriate passages to marriage. 
• Emphasis within the culture of the church that marriages are important. We care and we are available. 
• Find mentors for new couples. 
• Small groups for couples at the same stage of life, providing positive peer pressure. 

 ONGOING

If you suspect that a marriage may be struggling, the church can seek to help bring healing by:

• If you see something, say something. Individuals can reach out to the couple, the wife or the husband. Meet for coffee to see how they are doing. LISTEN! Offer support and share personal experience, if appropriate. 
• Marriage counseling, either by trained pastoral staff or a marriage counselor, or referral to a counselor (the church may supplement cost). 
• Pray for them and with them!

AVOID

• Talking without listening. People want/need to be heard. Listening shows we care. 
• Giving pat answers. Not everyone needs the same solution. A pat answer oversimplifies the problem. 
• Being judgmental. Regardless of the validity of a person’s perspective, they do not need us to bluntly tell them they are wrong. We shut the door on further conversations if we come across as judgmental. 
• Sending a person back to a dangerous situation! Help find a safe solution. 
• Taking sides. We can sympathize with one or both but we need to be an advocate of marriage, not a person. Every conflict has two sides. We may not know the whole story. 
• Do not advocate FOR or AGAINST divorce. That is each person’s decision. 
• Don’t promise outcomes. Help them see solutions or different options, but give hope. Many people have two bad options to choose from. They can follow a path that God gives but they can’t control the outcome. 

DON’T AVOID THE PERSON!

For a printable version of this page, click here.