Many of us believe that if a couple is attending church and loves God that they will have a successful marriage.
How many of us know couples that fit that criteria but are unhappy in their marriage, even miserable? Or divorce?
The couple often leaves their church as their marriage disintegrates. They don’t want to have to talk about it or explain it.
Maybe it’s a friend or colleague and we see that there is a lot of tension in their marriage.
What do we do?
We start with our own marriage. We don’t need to have a perfect marriage (who does?) to encourage another couple.- We are committed to working out difficulties and strengthening our own marriage. We learn what it takes and what works/doesn’t work.
- We are transparent about our struggles. Doesn’t mean that we air all the details, but we let our friends, church circle, colleagues know that we have had struggles but have overcome them. People need hope! Couples often think that others have it all together and wouldn’t understand.
- We are willing to walk alongside others in kindness and compassion. It may mean taking the initiative to inquire about their life and their marriage.
Others will be open to what we say if they trust us. They trust that:
- We believe what we say, because they have seen us demonstrate it. See above.
- We will share truth - not what social media or the latest TV guru says.
- We care about them. We want the best for them and we aren’t going to abandon them because they are struggling.
- We will keep their words confidential.
- We will not judge, condemn or attack them. We won’t think less of them because of their problems.
WHAT CAN THE CHURCH DO?
Does the Church have a role in helping marriages in distress?
YES! The Bible addresses marriage in several places and compares it to Christ and the Church. Marriage is important to God. So, it is important to the Church.
Traditionally, church was one of the places where couples sought help when their marriage was struggling. That has changed some, but is still important.
Helping marriages can be messy. Being preemptive can reduce the occurrences of troubled marriages.
PREEMPTIVE steps can include:
- Premarital counseling/classes, with a premarital assessment.
- Marriage classes offered regularly during the weekly small group time (at least once a year), or during a separate discipleship time (with childcare).
- Making marriage resources easily available - can include books, booklets, online and in printed form.
- During bible teaching times (from the pulpit or in classes), apply appropriate passages to marriage.
- Emphasis within the culture of the church that marriages are important. We care and we are available.
- Find mentors for new couples.
- Small groups for couples at the same stage of life, providing positive peer pressure.
ONGOING
If you suspect that a marriage may be struggling, the church can seek to help bring healing by:
- If you see something, say something. Individuals can reach out to the couple, the wife or the husband. Meet for coffee to see how they are doing. LISTEN! Offer support and share personal experience, if appropriate.
- Marriage counseling, either by trained pastoral staff or a marriage counselor, or referral to a counselor (the church may supplement cost).
- Pray for them and with them!
- Talking without listening. People want/need to be heard. Listening shows we care.
- Giving pat answers. Not everyone needs the same solution. A pat answer oversimplifies the problem.
- Being judgmental. Regardless of the validity of a person’s perspective, they do not need us to bluntly tell them they are wrong. We shut the door on further conversations if we come across as judgmental.
- Sending a person back to a dangerous situation! Help find a safe solution.
- Taking sides. We can sympathize with one or both but we need to be an advocate of marriage, not a person. Every conflict has two sides. We may not know the whole story.
- Do not advocate FOR or AGAINST divorce. That is each person’s decision.
- Don’t promise outcomes. Help them see solutions or different options, but give hope. Many people have two bad options to choose from. They can follow a path that God gives but they can’t control the outcome.
DON’T AVOID THE PERSON!
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