Be a student of your mate!
Each of us tends to demonstrate love to his/her spouse in a way that is meaningful to us.
When we were first married, physical affection was very important to me. I came from a home where we hugged and kissed a lot. My dad had always been very affectionate to my mom, my sister, and I. My mother came from a large family. We all hugged a lot when we saw each other. I thought everyone was that way.
Ed's family is affectionate too, but not to the same degree as my family. He is a more reserved person and was always more private about any display of affection. I came to realize that his affection was not a measure of his love for me but more a reflection of his personality.
He didn't really respond to affection but companionship was more important to him. My presence means more to him than holding hands or hugging. He doesn't need me to talk - just be there. He loves it when I will work in the yard with him; I don't usually accomplish much, but I am there with him. He loves for me to go fishing with him. We don't have to talk, just enjoy the time together. I had to learn how to show my love to him in a way he could receive it. But I also had to learn to interpret his expressions of love so that I could receive them.
Gary Chapman wrote a book several years ago, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
which continues to be a best-seller. His premise is that there are five primary ways that people want to be loved - 
- Gifts
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Ed has always been very helpful around the house - he cleans, cooks, fixes things. But I have always made the bed. I would prefer to make the bed. I usually make the bed right before I get dressed. One day I came in to get dressed, the bed was already made. Hmmmm...... The next day, bed made again. Hmmmm...... I asked Ed, "Why are you making the bed now?" He said that he just wanted to serve me.
I appreciated his heart of service, but I don't mind making the bed. I like it made with the pillows arranged a certain way, the throw folded and put across the corner. You get the idea.
I told him that I really appreciated the thought, but if he wanted to serve me, he could wash my car.
I have seen situations where the husband gave his wife an expensive gift but the wife would rather have his time. The gift represented time he worked away from her to earn the money to buy the gift. He spent a lot of time working, she really wanted his time and attention.
Not every act of service is meaningful to the recepient. That is why we advocate being "a student of your mate." It's not just knowing their love language but what particular way do they receive it as love. Just because gifts are a person's love language doesn't mean every gift is meaningful.
Being a student of your mate is a study that we never finish. You never graduate from that school.
The principle applies to other areas besides just love. How do we show respect in a way the other can recognize and receuve it? How do we apologize or show forgiveness in a way our spouse can receive it?
Don’t give in the way you want to receive, give in the way your spouse wants to receive.
For a high voltage marriage - Be in the Know, Be a Student of Your Mate.
Also see, Key A - Assume Nothing.
